Villains ➵ bill skarsgård a.u.

twelve

| boos, I'm not dead. |

The rest of the noon passed by quickly, I almost felt like time was flying out of me like breath. It didn't feel nice; To sit there and constantly think about possible circumstances that could be happening to my friend at the moment. I was right there, listening to my professors teach about the death of Abe Lincoln, and Sarah could be somewhere out there, starving, homeless, or even dead. She could've been dead for a week now and her body must be decomposing and we don't even know about it. Her face filled my head, how she must've looked like with her eyes wide opened, her mouth parted as she screamed for help but no one was there to save her. Not even us; the friends she saw as Family.

I dread the sensation it had created in my stomach. Like always I had tried to stop myself; to stop myself from overthinking and just tranquil my head before I lose my grip on reality again. My mouth yearned  for the taste of cigarettes to forget I had something in my chest that made me incapable of breathing properly, but Jumper was ten rooms away from mine and it would feel like going into a completely different building from how far she was from me, so I had to deal with my anxiety alone. It was like being left alone in the dark all over again when Arthur left me. I think for the whole time I was waiting for time to pass, I holding back from puking.

Although I didn't really have  anything to vomit anymore, for I have released everything I ate this morning. My lips felt dry as well as my throat, and my head had started aching again as I sat through History. I've repeatedly brushed my fingers over the large bandage onto the bleeding part of my head, checking if it was wet with blood again to find it dry and my headache was mostly because of me trying to constantly suppress myself from thinking.

I was a paradox. A huge fucking paradox.

I wanted to go home and bawl into my bathtub. I wanted to soak myself in water and cry for hours like what I did whenever I'd remember my parents.

I don't even know what was happening to me. I should know. I thought I already have everything under control again. That was the main reason why I decided to go to school even though I didn't want to get up, because I thought I could handle myself physically again; I thought I have had enough rest. For the previous week that I did nothing, that was all I thought about; I've forgotten about the mental part, because all I ever did was attempt to not think about Hillside Cross Station, which wasn't effective of course. And now that I've found out Sarah was missing; it increased my agitations even more. Anxiety was gathering itself into a huge ball inside my stomach and it wanted to come out. I felt like I was suffocating from the room I was in.

I had to repeatedly remind myself that it would be a strange sight if I run off into the bathroom without saying anything to my professors. But it wasn't really them I worried about; it was my classmates. For all I know they could spread around rumours that I'm pregnant or something like that, and that would be an even bigger problem I would have to face just because I can't help myself. So I did what was more suitable if I wanted to be invisible; I oppressed my thoughts all back to where they came from, crossing my fingers against the cold arm chair.

After we've talked at the school backyard, I went back to my current class against my will. And unlike earlier, my classmates had noticed me walking in which I wasn't very fond of. As I was shuffling through my backpack, I have realized the familiar black blazer resting inside, the sleeves too long for my arms. The blazer Arthur lent me last week. I haven't washed it, nor showed it to anyone. There was still a distinct smell of blood from it. I still haven't figured out if I was going to return it to him. I don't think I'll ever get the chance.

By the time three o'clock had struck, the bells rung once again and classes were officially over. I've remembered what Georgie said earlier at the parking lot, and I just really wanted to see them again. Not just because for the reason that Jumper had my cigarettes, but also because I did actually missed them. Even though it was just last week that we've last done a session together, I felt like I had skipped through months of not seeing them. It felt foreign to me that I didn't know whatever they were doing for nine days.