Can We Fall In Love Now? [Nicole Row]

Chapter 1

I like girls.

The sunshine girls with the twinkle in their eyes like gold. Their dresses hiking up as they move, teasing smiles cast at you like an endearing nickname.

The fan girls with the love they share with fiction and you, eyes enraptured by their book or tv. The sweatpants and laptop seem to be their favorite accessory, ice cream a close second.

The sporty girls with hair blown back by the breeze, legs and arms pumping as they fly, a boyish smile plastered on their face. Oversized sweatshirts with old sports teams decorating the front, with their attempts to get you to exercise.

The curious girls, the ones with their faces shoved in a book, the ones that dance in the rain with their smile illuminated by lightning as you hold an umbrella above them.

The punk girls with their dyed hair and headphones in even when they sleep. Their freckles highlighted by the neon lights of a concert, hair plastered to their foreheads with sweat.

The mixed girls, who has all of these traits, the ones who manage to capture your heart the most and consequently break it the most. The ones you try to stay away from, even though your efforts are futile in the end.

Boys, boys struck lightning in my heart, making me nervous and flustered all at once.

I like them all, but nobody can know because I am Brendon Urie's sister and if the world knew my life would come crashing down.

Fan controversies would pop up everywhere, and as much as I hate to admit it, everyone loves you differently when you tell them you're not straight.

Brendon can never know because I don't want him to love me differently. I don't want him to think of me as his gay sister, I just want to be his sister sister. Of course, I will probably have to tell him eventually, but it will be when I invite him to my wedding and no sooner.

This is what I thought about when I was hiding at a gay bar, my brother at the bar behind me. He really isn't gay, as he has Sarah for his lovely wife. He mostly comes here with Ryan - yes that Ryan - for support, because Ryan is bi.

I cowered behind the bar, wincing as I heard one of them kick the counter by accident. My breath was hurried, almost to the point of hyperventilating.

I heard a fan walk up to them and smiled to myself, relaxing a bit. More soon crowded around and I looked up, seeing they were preoccupied. I crept around back, weaving through bodies as I ignored the sound of someone calling my name. I sprinted outside, not stopping as I felt the cold air hit my face, my checkered Vans slapping the pavement.

I kept running in the direction of our house, hopping the fence. I felt a blister on my foot as I hopped down and winced, running to my room.

I quickly shimmied out of my clothing, getting into the shower. He wouldn't question me if I said I'd been here taking a shower. I let out a sigh of relief as the water turned scalding, pounding against my back.

I held my breath as I saw my bathroom door move a bit, signaling someone had opened my bedroom door. After a minute the door moved again and I let out the breath I'd been holding, relieved to be somewhat safe.

I finished showering, dried off and changed in a fairly long amount of time. I walked out of my room, bare feet slapping against the hardwood floors as I ran to the kitchen. Brendon wanted me to take care of myself, and I was having a good day. For once the words werent echoing in my head, and so I grabbed some string cheese for dinner, then closed the fridge door to see Brendon behind it. I shrieked, clutching my cheese close to my chest. "Brendon what the hell!"

"C'mon Addy, you can't eat that little for dinner." He crossed his arms, and I took a step back as he stepped closer to me. "That's why you're at therapy. You told me you would eat more."

"Brendon stop being such a mom. It's not that simple and you know it. Plus I ate with Milo at that new sushi place downtown." Lies, you went to the club together. I ignored the guilty part of my brain and scowled at him, taking a bite out of the cheese without pulling it apart.

"Okay, first of all, I might actually buy that, and second of all, don't eat string cheese like that it's not okay." I stared at him blankly before he realized his mistake and I burst into song, singing the first stanza of My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay".

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.

I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,

Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

I'm not okay

You wear me ou-

Brendon groaned and threw his hand over my mouth before I could sing anymore. "Please don't right now."

I shrugged and removed his hand from over my mouth, taking another bite out of the cheese making him roll his eyes. "How rude Brendon I was on a roll."

He shook his head in fake disappointment, then looked at me curiously. "You know, Ryan and I could have sworn we saw someone who looked just like you at the club. You can tell me if it was I won't-"

I cut him off, feeling my palms get sweaty, "Why would I go to a gay bar? Unless it was with Noah I wouldn't, also you know I can't drink again so that's another reason why not." He shrugged and we stood in an awkward silence, me taking the occasional bite of cheese stick.

I started to exit the kitchen after I finished my cheese, stopping when I heard him clear his throat, "I just want you to be happy, Addy. You know that right?" I brushed my blue hair behind my ear and shrugged, looking right into his brown eyes.

The brown eyes that have always been there.

The brown eyes that want me to be me.

The brown eyes that would love me differently.

I nodded silently and ran to my room, chest weighing heavier and heavier with the guilt of my secret.

JOURNAL ENTRY 03/02/18

Hello again fuckface I'm back!

Back with more problems how great, right?

Bren's been on my back about eating more, like it wasn't his fault in the first place.

Eating disorders aren't about appearance, or what people think of you. It's about not knowing how to deal with uncomfortable situations, and channeling that into something else. For some people it's music, writing, art. For others, it's self harm, whether it be eating or razors

I was put through a few uncomfortable situation, to put it lightly.

With your best friend dying after you got out of high school, and fights every other day, it's hard to not be upset less than 50% of the time

God I hope nobody reads this, why did I think the internet was a good place to put my thoughts out in.

Thanks therapist.

Anyways, Milo, Alissa and I went out yesterday

We actually did try the new sushi place, unlike the lie I told Bren.

It was pretty good.

I still hate this journal there's barely even a one-page essay written here

Hate you,

Addy U xoxo