(Finished) When you started to doubt yourself if you were worth it. When you couldn't move on from your past no matter how hard you'd tried. When you picked up her broken pieces but you ended up hurting yourself.
This is the art of breaking. The art...
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Past
Naalimpungatan naman ako at napansing wala na sa tabi ko si Arranio. I rubbed my eyes and scanned the surroundings then I saw at the corner of my bed, sitting. It was still dark.
Bumangon naman ako. I wrapped the blanked around me. Last night, Arran and I made love again in my apartment. Well, we already made love countless of times. The first we did it was during our third year anniversary. It was really a beautiful moment. We were each other's first. At alam kong hinding-hindi ko pagsisisihan na ibinigay ko ng buong-buo ang sarili ko dahil mahal ko siya at masaya ako sa nangyari sa 'min.
The future is inevitable but I know I won't regret it because I was happy. I was willing and happy to give my body and soul to him.
Niyakap ko siya sa likuran. I rested my chin over his shoulder. He really smells good. Like me, he was still naked too.
"Ang aga mong nagising," I told him softly, "Nakatulog ka ba?"
He smiled and held my hand. Hinalikan naman niya ang tuktok niyon, "I had a nightmare."
Napatigil naman ako. He sounded serious as well. Ngayon lang siyang nakapagsabi sa 'kin ng ganito, "What nightmare?"
Huminga naman ito ng malalim. He seemed frustrated, "It was about you. About us."
"What about it?"
"It was pitch black. But you were on it. You were standing in front of me. You were crying. You keep saying something. You kept saying you'll gonna leave me and I had to let you go."
Natahimik naman ako sa sinabi niya. Arran looked sad and hurt while saying those words to me.
"Pero lumuhod ako. I begged and cried for you, Miranda. But your eyes... they were cold. You didn't say anything and you just vanished."
"Miranda, it won't happen, right? You won't leave me. Hindi mo 'ko sasaktan. Hindi mo ko iiwan." He suddenly said, looking at me with pleading eyes.
"Arran..." I just cupped his face. He looked scared. He looked so scared that someday, it's going to happen and we're going to break apart.
"I don't know. You're already part of me. My other half. Every inch of me would die if you're going to break me. I'll die if I'm going to lose you, Miranda." He uttered as a tear escaped from his eye. Pumikit naman ako at hinalikan ang noo niya. Naiiyak din tuloy ako sa mga sinasabi niya.
He was right. We're already part of each other's lives. We're already so much involved with each other that I couldn't even imagine already if we're going to break up someday.
But sometimes the future is uncertain. I don't know... but I love him so much.
"I won't. Hindi kita iiwan. I promise. I love you too much to leave you." I assured him, "Je t'aime."
Tumango naman ito at hinalikan ako sa mga labi, "Je t'aime."
Sana. Sana matupad ko nga ang pangakong iyon.
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Present
Parang naman akong naestatwa nang makita ko silang dalawa na nasa loob ng opisina ngayon. Well, of course, nakita na rin nila akong dalawa. Arran was just staring at me, shocked at well pero ang lintik na si De Rossi ay hinead-to-toe pa ako. Kumunot pa ang noo nito habang nakatitig na rin sa mukha ko. Malamang napansin nito ang new hair ko.
"Miranda."
"Atty. Jimenez."
Sabay pa silang dalawang binanggit ang pangalan ko. Feel ko tuloy nasa isang telenovela kami tapos si Paxton iyong extra.
"Mr. De Leon, Atty. De Rossi, good morning." Ani ko sa kanila. Si Nikka naman ay namamanghang nanunuod sa 'ming tatlo na kumbaga parang nasa sine lang siya. Chismosa rin ang isang 'to!
Pero teka nga, bakit ba nandito si Arranio? Dalawang linggo akong depressed at pinipilit mabuhay habang sinasampal ako ng realidad na wala na talaga - una, dahil kasal na siya, pangalawa, may magiging anak na siya. Pinipilit ko na nga rin ang move-on na talaga. Nagpamake-over na ako sa sarili ko para hindi na ako magmukhang losyang. New me, better me na ang peg ko sa buhay ko ngayon. Tapos bigla na lang siyang susulpot?
Lord, tinutorture niyo po ba talaga ako?
Napatitig naman ako kay Paxton. He was still looking at me in amusement, na parang bang tuwang-tuwa siya sa reaksyon ko. Pucha, siya talaga ang may pakana nitong lahat eh! May paemote-emote pa siyang sinasabi kaninang umaga sa bahay!
"Uhm, Mr. De Leon, can I excuse for a minute? I just need to talk to Atty. De Rossi." I immediately and grabbed Paxton's hand. Lumabas naman kaming dalawa sa opisina.
Binitawan ko na ang kamay niya nang makalabas kami.
"What did you do to your hair, Mira?" Nauna pa itong magtanong sa 'kin na nakakunot-noo.
"Wala ka ng pakialam sa buhok ko," Sagot ko naman at inirapan siya, "Saka, bakit siya nandito? Bakit mo siya kasama?" Naiinis kong tanong rito.
Pax is my friend. Kahit madalas kaming nag-aaway, he knew my involvement with Arran. Alam niya kung anong nangyari sa amin at kung paano ako nasaktan dahil doon. He saw me getting depressed and crying a lot of times. Now, I'm starting to get hold with it, to move on and accept everything tapos makikita ko silang dalawang magkasama?
Anong klaseng kaibigan ba siya?!
Huminga ito ng malalim like I just asked a stupid question. I know he knew who I was pertaining to, "He's a client, Atty. Jimenez. He asked for some legal assistance. I brought him in the office dahil may meeting pa ako mamaya with some judges. I told him you can assist him for me instead."
Naikuyom ko naman ang mga kamay ko, I was getting frustrated, "You know, sometimes, I really do hate you."
"I know." He just mumbled.
"I can't do it. I won't do it." I told him, gritting my teeth. I know I'm already old enough to be emotional or gushy. But I don't care. Hindi ko pa kaya. Hindi ko pa kayang harapin ulit si Arranio matapos ang huling pag-uusap namin. Masakit pa rin. Kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas, masakit pa rin. Dahil alam ko namang kahit anong anggulo, kasalanan ko kung bakit kami nagkaganito ngayon.
"You need to face him, Miranda," He replied, "You won't completely heal if you won't face the person who's the reason why you're hurting. You need to be tough." He added bluntly. Somehow... he was true. No, Paxton always says the truth everytime I get fucked-up with my life.
Pero hindi ko pa kaya.
Hindi naman ako nagsalita at yumuko lang ako.
Narinig ko naman ang pagbuntong-hininga niya ulit.
"You don't have to worry. We're friends. I'm always going to catch you whenever you'll fall again. Like what I always do."
Napaangat naman ang ulo ko at tinignan siya. Sometimes, I wonder if he fell in love with someone before or did he ever love some woman and got his heart broken. He never really opened up about it to me. All I know is that he always sleeps around with different woman since we knew each other.
He was just staring at me back at me like I was the only one he could see. None of us talked, it was like in silence, we understood ourselves.
