My Immortal - Immortalfox fanfiction boyxboy

Chapter Eighteen

**Uhh, trigger warning here for self harm, just in case you're affected by that shit**

I blinked back tears as I stared at the knife, "Just do it you pussy," I muttered to myself, then I pushed it into my skin and made a cut along my wrist. This resulted me in letting out a slight moan in pain, which i instantly forced my mouth close to quiet myself. Another cut.That's the fourth one, and I think I'm done for tonight. This is the first time I've, well, cut myself. It was... different.

I rummaged around in the bathroom till I found bandages where I then wrapped my wrists up, making sure I wouldn't make things worse by getting the cuts infected. 

Did it make me feel better about myself for killing a person? Not exactly, but what it did do was relieve some of the tension in me, which in turn kind of made me feel better. I was punishing myself for killing James, no one else would do it and I-I just felt like someone had to. The idea to self-harm almost came instantly, and even though I've told people not to do it in videos... I just felt like this was different.

This was justified, I did it for James. If he was watching me right now, would seeing me in pain make himself feel better that I killed him? I don't know, I don't know. 

I feel like I'm going crazy. 

I go back into the room I share with Aleks, who is sleeping peacefully on our bed, looking adorable and sexy all at once, per usual. He still managed to make me happy, through all this. I don't know how he does it. 

I don't know how he lives with this feeling, of taking another human's life, and I feel like that is one of the few things we can't talk about together. 

Being shirtless at the moment, I decided it would be a good idea that Aleks didn't wake up and look down to see cuts on my wrists, so instead I grabbed a long sleeved shirt from our closet and I pulled it on, then went back down to Aleks.

No, I think as I drift off to sleep, I can't have Aleks knowing I'm cutting myself or he might find out a way to make me stop, and I think this may the only thing keeping me from not losing my insanity.

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When I wake up, Aleks is still laying besides me, his arm wrapped around my chest, but when he turns his face towards me, his eyes glancing happily at me, I realize he's awake and probably has been for a bit now. 

"Morning," I smile at Aleks, not moving. 

"Afternoon," He corrected then kissed me. I gave a slight moan into the kiss, enjoying his touch and his taste.

However, I am painfully - both literally and metaphorically - aware of the cuts on my wrist. Yup, last night definitely did happen. I finally decided to punish myself.

The idea that I needed punishment for killing James had silently crept into my mind a week and a half ago and it had latched on, telling me to hurt myself since then. I felt like I was going to go insane with guilt or maybe just plain insane if I didn't just give in, so I did it. 

I haven't told Aleks. I think he would just get mad at me, after all I killed James to protect Aleks, the love of my life. Why should I feel guilty about that?

You should feel guilty because James was right, you should've gone with him. You should've left Aleks. He's an even bigger monster than you, I think, then shudder at the thought and push it far away. I don't want to start thinking like that again, I'm supposed to be happy with Aleks. 

Luckily for me, Aleks thought I was shuddering more out of bliss from our short but passionate kiss. My mind was in a completely opposite place, but I appreciated looking at him and seeing a huge grin on his face, making me giggle. He was playful and fun to be around sometimes, it's hard to believe he's murdered in cold blood before.

"Come on, Eddie, let's get something to eat." Aleks says, hopping out of bed, way to energetic. He pulls me up off the bed, thankfully taking my hand to pull me up instead of my wrist, because that might've hurt. 

Aleks and I settle down to just have cereal, we aren't really master chefs, and neither one of us felt like cooking so plain old cereal it was, but it was fun enough. 

I was still being a bit distant however, to lost in thought and Aleks might be beginning to notice how absent I appear in our usually lively conversations.

"Eddie, are you okay? You seem.. off?" He asked me, a concerning look. Dammit, well, now he's noticed. He seems genuinely very worried, so I might as well tell part of the truth.

"I'm just thinking about James," I muttered. I did not, however, expect his reaction.

Aleks slams his hand down on the table as he begins to speak, "Goddammit Eddie, you're still thinking about him?" I flinch backwards at his sudden violent actions, and his yelling. "I should've known, I should..." He glances at me, pain filling the features on his face, "Am I not enough? You killed him to save my life yet you still think about him, still feel so bad about killing him. Would you rather have let me die and gone with him, I don't fucking understand!" He screamed at me.

At this point I'm at the verge of full on crying, but I don't let that happen. I have to at least try to stay strong and not just be a bawling mess. "No, of course not Aleks," I try to say back, but my voice seems small compared to his, "I just... he was my friend it was a lot to do."

"So that answers it, I'm not enough for you." He glared at me.

He still doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how I can care so much about having to kill James, he doesn't understand how I can say I love him but how I can also care so much about my friends. It was actually pretty sad, when I think of it that way, but I don't feel sad for him right now. It's not sad when his ignorance makes him look like a sociopath and makes him yell at me.

"I..." I can't respond, I feel myself starting to choke up and I quickly stand up, "I have to get out of the house for a little bit. I just need fresh air, to take a walk alone," I quickly start running out of the house and onto the beach.

I hear Aleks yelling at me behind me, and running after me. "Don't you dare fucking run away from me when I'm trying to talk to you. Answer this damn question honestly, Eddie. Am I not enough for you?"

I ignored him and kept walking away, I couldn't deal with his ignorance right now, it was to much. Suddenly I feel myself being grabbed by the wrist - thankfully it was the one without the cuts on it, but holy shit did Aleks' grip hurt. Aleks spins me around so I'm facing him, and then he does something I never expected.

He hits me. 

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Fun fact, this story was originally called Insanity, I changed the title to My Immortal when I started rewriting it on Wattpad, because i felt like Insanity just seems like an overused bullshit title. However, I now remember it fits the story pretty well. Mehhhh

I'm aware all my chapters probably has mistakes in it bc i suck at grammar, but if this one has a lot or something doesn't make sense, then oopsies. I planned to go to sleep at like 2 AM and then my friend managed to make me stay up a few more hours playing league of legends with him, and now it's 5:40 AM and i think I fucked up my sleeping plans