my dearest kazuya || miyuki kazuya

fourteen and a half

"so what did you want?" you asked me. we were sitting side by side behind the baseball fields, on the staircase.

"um, how do i put this. oh! i memorized it too!" i whispered to myself, cursing my bad memory. "well, i'll get straight to the point. i like you. like, really really like you. i dare to even call it love. yes, i love you." you looked at me, eyes wide and mouth hanging open.

"i've been in love with you since the end of our first year. but i've never got the chance to tell you and when you got a girlfriend, half my heart broke. did you know i've been writing letters to you, too? well, i've been writing down all my thoughts and feelings, addressed to you. i won't give you the letters today, because your best friend admitting she's in love with you is enough of a shock for one day.

"it started off gradual, but the end result was as i expected. i was in love with you and you only thought of me as a best friend, maybe even a sister. i never had the courage to tell you, until last week. i decided to tell you before the third years graduate, because if it ended badly i could switch to advanced classes in the new year, switch dorms and you wouldn't have to see my face again until graduation. but i do hope it won't come to that," i explain softly, not daring to look over at you. "i was up at two a.m, writing the first letter. half my heart was broken while the other half was still completely in love with you. you see my problem? i couldn't bare to tell you this earlier because i knew it would shatter our friendship beyond repair, and i didn't know how i could live with that. but now, i don't think that matters anyway, because you have a girlfriend and you're happy with her. my feelings don't matter because you're happy with someone else and i'm not involved in that happiness. i'll move on and learn to love someone else, someone i can actually think will love me back. i guess i was addicted to the thought of loving someone so unattainable. someone like you." i take a deep breath in through my nose and out my mouth. "now that i've said that, you can reject me with all you've got, because i'll be okay." i look at you, who was deep in thought. you were looking off into the distance, not even moving your head to look at me.

"me and her. . . we broke up. a while ago. that's why she hasn't been eating with us. we broke up because she was worried i would cheat on her with one of my fangirls. i would never. . . i would never cheat on anyone. ever." you say, and it was my turn to have my mouth hanging open, eyes wide. "now that we're through, i could date you. i can see myself falling in love with you, getting married and having a family with you. i can see us moving in together and i can see us happy with each other."

"then why are you holding back," i ask.

"i need you to do one thing for me before any of that happens." you look over at me, finally. a small, genuine smile on your face. i nod my head. anything for you. "i need you to make my fall in love with you. like, make me fall as deep for you as you did for me. can you do that?"

"i'll try. and i'll try until graduation. if i can't do it by then, we part ways for perhaps forever. is it a deal?" i hold out my hand, and you take it in a firm handshake.

"it's a deal."