Smile

7

Ingrid took me back to my house.

She gave me a bottle of water,

and a banana.

I think she knew

I had an eating problem,

because she forced me to eat the banana.

I didn't mind as much

as I thought I would,

because she actually cared enough

to make me eat it.

I threw it up,

anyways,

but at least she tried.

 

I found out

Ingrid lives in the country.

She has to drive more than an hour

every day

to get to school.

She also takes care of her 98-year-old grandmother.

I don't know how she does it.

She didn't want to talk about her parents,

but I understood,

because I didn't want to talk about

the scars on my wrists

when she asked about them.

 

Ingrid loves Macey,

my new puppy.

She thought the puppy was adorable,

but I guess all puppies are.

She also said I was so lucky

that I got whatever I wanted

and my parents would let me

do whatever I wanted.

I didn't tell her that the loneliness is crushing

and that I hated being alone most of the time.

My parents never come home anymore,

and my sister hangs out with her friends

and her new boyfriend, Presley.

I guess some people have it worse than me,

like Ingrid doesn't even have her parents

but I guess I don't either.

At least she has a boyfriend

who cares about her.

 

Nobody cares about me.

 

So when Ingrid left,

I was still thinking about how nobody cares,

except for maybe Macey,

my puppy.

I cut my wrist

more than once

for all the names Josie called me,

and for all the people who didn't care about me

that should've,

and just for being terrible

and a burden to anyone who

made contact with me.

Josie is an example of that.

She was very nice at first

but after she found out more about me

she hated me.

 

I went for a run

around the entire town

and didn't stop once.

Everytime I felt like stopping

I sped up

tears sliding down my face.

I found myself at a park

next to the beach.

I walked over to a swing

and sat down.

I thought about my life,

and how I was so broken

and stupid

and I wondered how this had happened.

I was never this bad

before we moved.

Sure,

I didn't eat as much

but I still ate.

I was running on empty most of the time now,

and I think the only reason I was

still alive

was because I drank water

and ate half a banana

sometimes.

 

I ran back home

when it started getting dark.

My parents were actually home

but the sight was not pretty.

They were screaming at each other

terribly drunk.

Then they started making out

and then started screaming at each other.

Drunk people are weird.

But I guess I'm no better.

 

I snuck into my parent's bedroom

while they were down stairs doing

whatever the hell they were doing,

and found my dad's pack of cigarettes.

I went back to my room,

and while Macey was asleep,

I climbed out my window.

I went out to the beach

and smoked the entire pack.

But it wasn't enough.

I saw a bonfire

down a couple of yards

from where I had smoked.

A bunch of teens

were there.

Actually,

I think they were college kids.

I don't know.

All I know,

is that I took a drink from one of the guys

who said I was beautiful.

 

We ended up making out

for a long time.

And then,

I remember getting dizzy.

I was so...

dizzy...

And then,

my limbs started getting heavy..

I can't really remember

what happened after that.