Smile

11

It turns out
Shane is in all of my classes.
I was surprised,
To say the least.
He sat next to me,
And tried to talk to me.
I listened to him talk
And it was nice.
But I know
He'll leave.
Just like
Everybody else
Who doesn't care about me
In the world.

Ingrid sat with me
Again,
But this time,
Her boyfriend,
Luke,
Was with her.
I didn't talk.
I listened to them,
And their conversation.
I wish
I had someone
Who cared that much about me
To just talk to me,
And kiss me,
And tell me
That they love me.
But this world hates me,
So I'm all alone.

***

I started eating again.
I cut myself for it,
But at least I'm eating.
It's only
A banana
And some toast
For breakfast,
And two bites of dinner,
And that's it,
But I guess
It's better than nothing.

I don't think
My parents care.
They haven't changed much.
You would think
It would be a wake up call
To have a child like me,
But they just pay for the bills,
And make sure I go to therapy.
That's it.
They still ignore me.
Delilah tries
Though.
She tells me
About her day
And goes with me
On walks with Macey,
And asks me how I'm doing,
But I just shrug.

During class the next day,
Shane asked me
If I wanted to go to lunch with him.
I nodded.
What's the harm?
Until I thought
About having to actually eat lunch.
So when we got to Chicfila,
I took a salad.
I ate it,
But threw it up
In the bathroom
When we got back to school.

***

Sometimes I wonder
If I actually want to get better.
At least
I'm brutally honest
With myself
About how I don't deserve anything.
But then I look at Ingrid's life,
And I wonder
How she can be so happy?
What does she have
That makes her so happy?
Friends?
Her boyfriend?
Her family?
I don't get
Why her eyes twinkle
Even when she's alone.
I don't know.
All I know
Is that it's like
She's never alone
Even when she is.
Seriously.?
What
Makes
Her
So
Happy?