out of breath ; hemmings au

six

I think it's been two hours since we left the motel and he’s still not talking to me. I stopped insisting when I realized he couldn’t even look at me. I just sit here staring at his furrowed eyebrows, wondering what he’s thinking about. But I don’t ask, because he probably wouldn’t tell me what I want to hear but hurtful things that would make me sink deeper and hate myself more, instead. And now I have nothing to get lost in, no escape. I know I said it’s just Luke and I, but I now have to add reality to that equation.  

Unsuccessfully, I’ve been trying to hold back the tears by biting the inside of my cheeks, which are now bleeding. I can taste the metallic flavour and of course it hurts, I feel my cheeks burning, but it feels right, as if I deserve it. 

I can’t stand the tension or the silence anymore. I have been accustomed to easing my problems with drugs and Calum’s support and I can’t handle this on my own. It’s an awful situation being dragged out of your house and town to have to put up with the judgment in your only companion’s eyes. I need him to help me through this if he’s not going to give me some coke to calm down. 

“Please, just say something, Luke,” a plea is what he hears, I’m begging. 

He clenches his hands around the wheel tighter and tighter until his knuckles turn white. His mouth is a thin line and his lip ring is standing out. I can see he’s angry at me, so I look away or the tears rolling down my cheeks will be replaced by an ocean. 

“How long have you been doing drugs?” I sigh in relief. We are on speaking terms again and I can’t help but smile a little. 

“About four months or something.” I slowly turn my head to him but his eyes aren’t on me. 

“What happens if you stop consuming?”   

“Umm... I,” I stare down at my lap. For me it’s never easy to open up to someone. “I’m quite negative and without them all those feelings and thoughts worsen.”

“How much?” He pauses, “I mean, are you able to get through without them?”

I shake my head slightly, “I don’t think so, not when I’m hurting like this,” I say letting uncountable tears fall from my eyes. “I’m a fuck up and my life’s fucked up! I have nothing right now but you. Of course I didn’t choose this but it is what it is and having to see the disappointment in your eyes, the way you hate me right now, feels as if somebody is stabbing me in the heart! I’m always trying to do my best so everyone would approve of me and I’m failing so badly lately. Not even I can stand myself,” I rub my eyes to remove the tears which are blurring my sight. “I can see you’re regretting saving me, as you call it. You’re wishing you hadn’t done it, and even though I thought I didn’t care, you disapproval is killing me. Besides, I’m starting to realize how much I have left to live for and how I ruined everything for a fake reality that means nothing, and for drugs that turn me weaker and vulnerable making me eager for them more and more since, mentally, they make me stronger. So yes, I fucking need them!” My torso falls over my knees. I was struggling with my breathing, my body is shaking and my hands aren’t able to wipe away the tears anymore because of their own wetness.

A hand caresses my back, traveling to my waist and the other grabs me gently by the shoulder asking me to straighten up. I oblige, still hiding my face in my palms, but he removes them and helps me wipe away my tears. I haven’t realized we were parked up to this moment, and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen are locked on my watery ones. Luke keeps his hand on my face and forms circles with his thumb on my cheeks. 

“You’ll be alright, Moon.” He presses his forehead against mine.

"Don’t lie to me," I ask taking one hand to his growing beard and shifting my eyes from his eyes to his lips and back to his eyes. “I’m a hopeless case.” I look away from him, if I stare at those perfect eyes for one more second I’ll be doing something I’ll regret later.