out of breath ; hemmings au

eight

Obviously, the door didn’t open when I pulled the door handle. It was locked. Pain ran through my body the moment I hit the door in frustration with my foot, causing my crying to increase instantly. It’s already unbearable having to put up with the feelings overpowering me.

“Come on, Moon.” I look up to saddened blue eyes.  

Luke offers his hand to me and after seconds of hesitation, I take it. He opens the door for me, helping me inside. Sitting the bag full of food and the map besides me, he sets himself down and starts the engine.  

“We’re going to stop at the closest town, but we’ll keep going after that,” he states. 

I wipe my tears away with my hoodie’s sleeve, ignoring him. I’m nibbling my cheek again. Maybe if I bite harder it will hurt enough to distract me from my frustration and anger. But it’s never enough. Luke cares more about a freaking destination than my thoughts and feelings. I can’t keep on going feeling like this: weak and powerless. My mind keeps spinning around everything that has happened. I can’t convince myself that I don’t need the cocaine, no matter how hard I try. The fact that this psycho after me would probably hurt my family just because of me scares the fuck out of me. I can’t go back home knowing that might happen, so I’ll have to put up with this controlling blonde guy. He kissed me just to calm me down and get rid of all the suspicious eyes that were on us. He doesn't give a fuck about me really. I thought that would change after the make out and the confession, but he proved me wrong.

Why is this happening to me? What have I done? I know drugs aren’t good, but come on! I’m not the only one! I speak to no one... Maybe God? I don’t even know. I don’t believe in God, but now I feel so trapped and hopeless that is worth the try. I need to get my drugs, this ache in my chest makes me tell myself. I glance at Luke’s skinny jeans’ pockets wondering if he keeps them there. Why do I always go back to drugs? I have to be able to get through without them! I stifle a laugh at that thought. Of course I’m not strong enough for that. 

I turn my head to the window to find green and greener flora. The colour of hope they say. Ironic that I’m hopeless then. I don’t know where we are but I don’t want to ask either. I kind of want Luke to feel bad for what he’s doing. He doesn’t get how troubled I am and how my only hope is to suppress my thoughts. If I talk about our location and destination, he’ll get what he wants, since he was insisting on that at the petrol station shop. I’m not giving him the pleasure until he gives me mine. Thankfully, the pain in my mouth is working as a tranquilizer, it feels better. 

“Eat something,” Luke says. I don’t answer. “Come on, you need to eat.” 

“That’s not what I need,” I speak harshly still not turning around to face him. 

I hear him sigh. If he thinks I’ll give up, he’s very wrong. He won’t tell me what I should do. If there’s something he can’t take away from me it's the power of making my own decisions. My mind stays with me. Who am I kidding? I'm losing it with all this shit going on! I hope that man is looking for me, just me, not my friends or family. I shiver at the thought of an unknown evil man touching my parents, or Calum. Oh, no! Please not Calum, I plea to no one again. I bite the inside of my cheeks harder, controlling my tears. I refuse to break down again. 

“What if a give you small dose?” Luke offers and I snap my head at him. I can’t hold back the smile creeping on my face. 

“Would you?” I ask eagerly. I didn’t expect that from him. 

“I’d give you some if you don’t ask for more later,” he pauses and I nod franticly. “I guess bad habits are hard to quit. But seriously, just one small dose,” he pierces me with his sky coloured eyes before turning them back to the road.