I shouldn't fear your judgement.
I shouldn't feel your gaze slice and cut
As they stare at where I cut myself
I shouldn't be so embarrassed
About my mental health.
They're scars now but my god did they bleed.
And it felt good: anger and sadness being freed
Pouring out of me in a red liquid form
Scabbing up, shutting off, sleeves, jeans over skin torn.
I've spent my life feeling embarrassed about them:
Long sleeves hide me from people finding out
I didn't want to stop. I never wanted to stop.
I still think about it now still do it now
Still wonder how I can still bow down
To my razors and blades
And think about it for days and days
It never goes away, it stays with me still,
Etched into my skin to remain until
I slide on my sleeves and my happy face,
Walk around in the sweltering heat of this place
But I'm fine, rather cold, nothing wrong with me.
And underneath there are battle wounds you won't see.
I shouldn't fear your judgement. But I do.
So I will suffer and recover alone
And wonder if I'll ever feel at home.
05/06/2017
C.J.
