I surrendered a long time ago,
Bowed down to my new leaders and get thrown to and fro
I gave up, let it win again
Exist again
Take me in again
I gave in again.
Everyday is a war in my head
And I always look at the bodies of the dead
Past versions of myself scatter the land
I raise a white flag
I don't want to drag
Myself through no man's land.
I get tired of fighting so I let it crawl in
Spindly arms and legs
Black hole eyes of dread
Red blood stains where I have bled
"You'll be okay with me," it said.
It showed me where I hide what's sharp
Teach me to withstand heat in dark,
Long sleeves and how to shove
People away and taunt those above.
It taught me what angles are deadly
Teaching me the anatomy of my left wrist
"Cut here, down there, deeper,
Hand sanitizer will keep it cleaner
Press down deeper try it out."
It binds my mouth shut so I can't shout.
It will cross stitch my lips
Allow space for a pill to slip
Cover my eyes from the truth
My ears from the truth
Me from the truth
That I am stronger than I know.
I should have won the war
But instead I wore
White sheets of white flags
And gave up.
It will keep me as a silent prisoner
And I am the reason for that.
When people held their hands out for me
I pushed them away and I sat
Still allowing the winner of wars wither me
Winter came and never left
It tied a leash around my neck took my breath
The noose took my breath
It pet my prisoner hair and whispered softly
"I have won. You now obey me."
It taught me how beautiful I look
With my wrists slit
And how vomit drips
From my tear licked
Chapped lips.
It told me that
This was it.
My life was like this:
No exit.
Except
Death.
I quit.
I'm sick
Of you controlling me
Walking all over me
Like you own me
You withhold me
Try to make me
Hate my body
Hate my gender
Hate my life
Take this knife
To your wrist
End your life-
No.
I don't want this anymore.
I'll turn around and stab the creature
I do not need a preacher
I want to be free.
I want to be me.
I want to see
Life without a black and white screen.
I will scream.
Everything I ever knew lays dead
By my feet and for the first time it bled.
It was now not my blood on my hands
But the blood of what kept me bland.
I fought back
But somehow
Feel even more empty
Than before.
Depression killed me so much
That when I killed it, I kept it's touch.
It will never go away, it's corpse will rot
Inside of my melting winter wonderland.
