The Sound of Silence (RusCan)

Chapter 7: "First, you need to forgive yourself..."

Chapter 7: "First, you need to forgive yourself..."

(Depression and PTSD trigger warning)

Matthew stood just inside the door as Russia turned on the lights. Matthew set down his suitcase next to the door. He looked up at the other man. Even in his own home, Russia wore his long coat and scarf.

Russia looked back down at him. He'd noticed Canada's presence since WWII, but nobody else seemed to be able to see him. He once asked Ukraine if she could see the mysterious country and she said she also could. After a while, Russia grew interested in him and wanted to try and get to know him, but he feared the younger would be scared of him. This is why Russia had never said anything to him prior. He tried learning more about Canada and over time saw how lonely the young country seemed. It was a shame, in his mind, Canada was a nation to be looked up to, not torn down and ignored by everyone else.

He'd stood up for Matthew a couple times when others pointed out his 'worthlessness'. For some reason, it deeply angered him to see such an honourable country so mistreated.

For the times he'd sat on him, that was his way of attempting to get Canada's attention, unfortunately, this only made the other more afraid of him. Over time Russia learned his attempts weren't working so he gave up.

One day he got the idea of writing a note to Canada, telling the other that he wasn't worthless no matter how much he felt that way. He saw Canada as someone he wanted to be. He longed to be like Canada. Canada was smart, nice, understanding, patient, and nobody was afraid of him. Nobody hated the Canadian. Russia dreamed of that; Not being hated.

He feared creeping Matthew out, so he wrote the note anonymously, but somehow Matthew found out it was him anyway. Now Matthew was inside his home, looking up at him, with no fear in his eyes.

After all this time of wanting to talk to Canada, here he was. Matthew was in his home, wanting to give him 'friendship'. That was something Russia never had. A friend.

Matthew looked at Russia's face, he wondered what the other was thinking. The only thing going through Matthew's mind was how he could manage to become friends with Russia. What if Russia didn't want to be friends with him? What if Matthew wasn't worthy of such a superpower's friendship.

Matthew's trust and kindness were all Russia desired. Matthew was nice to him. That's all he wanted. He didn't need anything else. If he could only ever have one thing, it was someone to be kind to him. And now he had that.

But after everything he'd put others through, the Baltics, Finland, his sisters, did he deserve kindness? In his mind, he didn't. It was the only thing he wanted, but in his mind, he wasn't worthy of such a thing.

"I am not worthy of your kindness.." Russia said coldly.

"What do you mean?" Matthew looked at him with concern.

"The things I've done in the past. To others. I've always wanted a friend, but I don't deserve one." Russia looked back at Matthew with an expression Matthew could not read.

"I'm not worried about what you've done. In the note, you hinted that you want to change but don't know how to. That's good enough for me. The mere fact that you are willing to change, makes you worthy of a friend to guide you."

Matthew said, his voice was quiet but sounded trustworthy.

This was probably the most bizarre exchange Matthew had ever experienced. He got Russia to just open up to him without ever even speaking to the man.

Hearing those words coming from Matthew did a number on Russia. He didn't know what he was feeling. Was it Matthew's empathy? He didn't know, but he liked it.