For When Your Heart is Broken

4: Bittersweet

Life was dull.
Not dull as in boring, however.
More of a dull ache.

Like the remnants of a long healed bone when put in the cold, or when atmospheric pressure was high in a storm.
A storm was also comparable to the overall mood.
A goddamned hellacious storm.

It had been two days.

Ken sat in the centre of his makeshift bed, staring at a book.
Yes, staring at it.
The words had long since become meaningless.
There was no way for him to picture anything.

He hadn't slept for those two days.

Closing his eyes, he lie back on the squeaky, pathetic excuse of a piece of furniture. A tired sigh left him.
He then opened up his eyes again and gazed at the decrepit ceiling above him. He didn't want to close his eyes for too long anymore.
All he could see was the look he always received from the Gourmet.

He had always smiled.
Because was hurting.
But he didn't want to hurt me.

Touka had been evading everyone lately.
She had miscarried about a month into her pregnancy.
Served her right, really. She was a user. She had never really cared for Kaneki's well being. He'd realised that too late...

Hide and Tsukiyama had been diligent and faithful.

She hadn't.

Honestly I don't know what the hell's gotten into me.
Kaneki glared at the cracks on the concrete.
I know what's gotten away from me...
He closed his eyes again.

Serves him right. Ken knew he should have to deal with the memory of a man who loved him so unconditionally. A man who he ignored for far too long.
And it had taken his disappearance for him to finally get around to paying attention.

"Kaneki...
I don't expect you to be upset for too long."
He could hear the words in the letter in the sound of his voice.

You expected wrong, you fucker. He thought spitefully. He was only feeling spiteful towards himself, however.

The next line of that letter flashed through his mind, but this time the image of the paper was there.
"Nor do I want you to." Tsukiyama had written.

He imagined the look he would have held if he had told him face-to-face. It made him even angrier.

A sad, yet encouraging smile. His red eyes even with his own, meeting his gaze with full confidence.

How could he be so sure about how I feel? He asked himself.

Then, sarcastically, his mind spat out an answer:
Well, gee, Kaneki, it's not like you ran off, impregnated, and got married to someone who didn't give a flying fuck from the very beginning.
Idiot.
He didn't know who he was insulting anymore.
Yes he did.
He was insulting himself.

【❦】

He took the liberty of going to Hinami's little sanctuary, where Tsukiyama's box was stored neatly beneath a table. She wasn't there, but he had her permission, so he stayed, knowing she wouldn't be upset. She would be more distressed if he were to leave for that reason, really.
Less shaky, but shaking nonetheless, he unlocked and opened the beautiful wooden chest.