Finding Finley ✔

11

I have no idea what is going on with Darby and I. To be fair though, I've never really known what's going on with Darby and I. 

It's been two months since the Fourth of July, where I told her about my nightmares and my dad, and it's been over a month since she told me about her own family. Classes started a few weeks ago and I'm back in my dorm with Parker, no longer a few sets of stairs from her front door - although we still see each other daily.

I don't know what's going on with Darby and I because she held my hand at the movie theater, she let me hold her while she cried about her family, and we spend almost all of our time together, but we've never talked about it. Ever since we went on our first hike, we've been back and hiked every trail, some of them twice. Darby has told me about how she was bullied in middle school, how her step-dad and mom didn't invite her on their family vacation last month, and how she wishes she knew her dad's side of the family so that maybe things could be different for her. 

I felt like things were moving in the right direction for me and Darby.

When I moved my stuff back into the dorms from Ellie and Kit's apartment, Darby helped. The four of us have been hanging out as a group lately, we go out to eat or to the mall and Darby seems to really like my brother and sister-in-law. 

She has brought me food while I was at work a few times, and sometimes she even waits in the parking lot for me after I get off so that we can hang out. We still run together every morning and we even started a show on Netflix together - couple shit, right? 

Ellie is convinced that Darby and I are dating but not telling her as some kind of cruel joke, but we're not. Darby and I have barely even touched other than a friendly hug here and there or a high five. There hasn't been anymore hand holding or intimate hugs by a lake. I don't know what's going on in Darby's mind and I don't want to push her by asking. As long as we're still hanging out and she's not avoiding me, I'm okay with giving her space to figure this all out for herself.

Even though she told me about her family, I have a feeling that isn't the only thing going on with her. She still has days where she gets distant and quiet, days when I sometimes don't see or hear from her after our run until we meet at the corner or park the next morning.

Sometimes after we run our usual route Darby, on days when she is smiling and laughing, will say that she has to get straight home after checking her phone and so we don't hang out after. Twice now she has had to leave mid run because of a phone call, but on those days she usually texts me later to say something about how she's getting faster than me or asking if we can get breakfast the next day.

I've had one nightmare since I told Kit and Darby about them. When I woke up I called Ellie, but this time she didn't sneak out of the room, instead she woke up Kit and the three of us talked about it until I was okay to go back to sleep. It felt good having Kit know and being able to talk to him. While I love Ellie, Kit is my brother and it's reassuring in a different way to know that he cares and is there for me. 

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I jolt awake in the middle of the night and grab my chest. This is new, I've never woken up in actual pain before. I can't catch my breath and my entire chest is aching and being crushed by the invisible weight. I look over at Parker's bed, but it was empty. Shit.

Moving slowly so that the pain doesn't get worse, I reach for my phone on the bedside table and dial Ellie's number. The phone rings for a minute before going to voicemail. Shit. I call Kit but get no answer. Shit, shit, shit.

They aren't answering, they left me. They're done with my problems and constant needing them to comfort me and tell me that everything is okay. I can't blame them, I would be sick of me too, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that my twin brother and my best friend don't want anything to do with me.