Finding Finley ✔

17

I've been thinking about what Kit said, about getting closure. For the past few days I've been thinking a great deal about it, and I think that he's right. I need to face my problems and say what I need to say in order to free myself from all the anxiety and emotional turmoil. 

I need to get back to who I used to be.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital with Kit while he waits to get his routine CT, I decide that when we leave here, I'm going to go get the closure I need. 

"You okay, you seem like you're thinking about something pretty hard over there?" Kit looks up from his phone and over at me. 

"Yeah, I'm good. What about you, you nervous?"

I always come with Kit to these appointments. Sometimes, like today, it's just the two of us and other times Ellie comes along too. Our mom is always a nervous wreck on these days, so she stays away from the hospital and obsesses over Kit until the results come back days later. 

I'm nervous during the waiting too, but I've had a lot of practice pretending to be calm and masking what I'm really feeling. For a year I sat in this hospital, spending every minute that Kit was here by his side, and I don't like to come back and be reminded of what could have happened. 

If one day those tests come back saying that his tumor has returned, I don't think I can go through it all again. I don't think my mom can go through it again, and I know Ellie can't handle it, no matter how tough she pretends to be. Every time Kit gets a headache we all panic a little.

Kit is always calm though, he's always trying to assure and comfort the rest of us, and while that doesn't seem fair to me I don't fight it because I'm selfish and I want him to tell me that it's all okay, even if it should be the other way around. 

"I'm good. It's going to come back clear like always." There it is, that optimistic and calm reassurance. 

I just nod, and Kit looks at me intently. "You sure you're okay, Finn?"

"Yeah. I was just thinking about what you said the other day. About closure."

"Oh yeah?" 

I don't want to tell him what my plan is because I think he'll try to stop me. Although we're twins, Kit is actually older by eight minutes, and while that really doesn't matter he's always played the big brother role. 

The morning that our dad left, Kit was the one that kept it together and distracted me from our mom's tears by getting me to play Ninja Turtles with him. Kit was the one that comforted me and kept it together for me while he was the one with a brain tumor. Kit is the one that is always trying to protect and shield me from anything he thinks could harm or upset me. 

I have no doubt that Kit will try to stop me from getting this particular closure, because in his mind, there's no closure to get - it's all said and done. Ellie would probably agree with him, they would team up like the super couple they are and I will be stuck right where I am. 

My phone vibrates and I sigh, thinking that it's probably Darby, momentarily forgetting that she hasn't texted me since that day I was in class. Maybe she finally gave up, which might be for the best. If Darby isn't texting me asking for forgiveness, then maybe I can finally forget about her eyes, her hair, her smile, her attitude, her - 

Maybe it will be harder to forget her than I had originally thought. 

I look down at my phone and see that the text is from my mom, asking if Kit had gone back yet. I type back a quick reply and notice that Kit is still looking at me, waiting for me to respond to whatever it was he just said. "Sorry, what did you say?" 

He rolls his eyes, "So you're going to take my advice and get closure?"

"Yeah. I guess I am." 

A nurse in blue scrubs comes out of the door at the end of the waiting room. "Kit Kennedy" she calls and as Kit stands, worry creeps its way inside me. 

"Wish me luck." He says before following the nurse down the hall, the door closing behind him.

I know this feeling won't leave me until he get the results and calls me to tell me that he's still in the clear, so while Kit is getting his scans, I think more about what I'm going to do once we leave here.

-------------------------------------------------------

I dropped Kit off at the gym and hit the interstate. I spend the entire drive telling myself that I need to do this, that it's for the best, and that no matter the outcome I'll be okay. 

I'll always have my mom and my grandma. I'll always have Kit and Ellie, so no matter what happens today, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. This is to close a chapter in my life - or possibly open one, though I'm doubtful that it will go in that direction. 

A little over an hour later I find myself parked in the circular drive of my dad's house, looking up at the house that holds nothing but bad memories.