it's now 10pm and there is definitely about two hundred people in this house. i'm pretty tipsy to say the least and i am really enjoying myself. everything has been running smoothly. right now, all i want is some fresh air.
i head outside the backyard. there's about ten other people out here, running about the field and two others in the jacuzzi, probably having sex to be honest.
i sit on the porch and grab the packet of cigarettes from my bra. i know, a bad place to keep them, but i'm not carrying around a bag and i don't have pockets. i also know smoking is a bad thing, trust me, i know. but i just drunkly tried one at an afterparty for a movie premier, and suddenly i was craving another and another. it was probably the worst mistake of my life, aside from letting shawn slip away.
i guess i've changed as a person since losing shawn.
i place the cigarette between my lips and light it with my lighter, inhaling the smoke. i let out a sigh as i take my next drag, admiring the view of the city.
"those are bad for you, you know." i recognise that voice anywhere. i feel my eyes gloss over slightly with tears. i chuckle dryly before responding.
"you think i don't know that, shawn?" i ask, rolling my eyes, taking another drag of the killer.
"just thought i'd remind you that those kill." shawn shrugs, sitting beside me. i tense up lightly but remain calm.
"maybe that's the whole idea of me doing it. y'know, because they kill." i look him in the eyes. so many memories flood back as i look into them. it truly kills me knowing i can't have him.
"that's deep. but really, that's why? to make your death day creep up on you sooner?" shawn asks me and i roll my eyes.
"if you knew me at all, you'd know the answer." i simply reply. shawn chuckles lightly.
"so the answer is no then." he says and i crack a smile.
"i guess you still know me then." i mumble, throwing my my cigarette away as there is basically nothing left in it. "i just got hooked on them after a night out." i explain to him.
"what makes you think i wouldn't know you?" shawn asks, he asks so many questions. he always has really.
"well, we've been apart two years. you've moved on." i shrug, debating whether this is drunk me being an idiot pouring my heart out to shawn, or if these words would actually come out of my mouth if i was sober.
"you seriously think i could move on? lindsay, i could never move on from you. i don't know how you feel about me, but i still love you. i always will." shawn tells me. i bite my lip, somehow trying to stop myself from crying.
"i- shawn. i could never not love you." i whisper. i look up at shawn and see he is already looking at me. our eyes lock and i feel as if we are seventeen years old, at shawn's house in pickering, the way it used to be. as much as shawn has matured, his eyes will never change.
suddenly i feel us both getting closer to one another. i feel shawn's hot breath on my face and i can't take it anymore. i place my lips on his. shawn seems shocked, but kisses back. we continue to kiss for about five seconds before i pull away.
"i'm sorry." i say to him before getting up and leaving.
what the fuck did i leave for?
i search for melony and find her in the living room, pulling her into the overcrowded kitchen.
"shawn's here." i shout over the loud music.
"i know. matthew invited him. sorry i never told you it's just i really wanted you to come and i thought if i told you he was coming you wouldn't come." melony rants and i smile at her.
"it's okay." i tell her before pouring myself another drink of captain morgan and coke. i take a gulp of it before heading into the crowd to dance.
*
it's exactly 11:47. everyone is getting drunker and drunker, and more excited to ring in the new year. i begin to feel really crowded and somewhat claustrophobic, so i decide to head outside again. i sit down where i was before and sigh. after five minutes i hear the door opening and shutting behind me but i don't bother to turn around. i don't care who it is.
"back here again as well?" it's shawn. of course it's shawn.
"uh- yeah." i press my lips together. i pull out a cigarette and light it, once again inhaling the smoke. shawn stays silent the entire time. i don't even question him. i'll let him stay silent until he decides to say what's on his mind.
"why did you leave?" he asks, sitting down beside me. i shrug, flicking ashes off of the cigarette.
"i guess i felt overwhelmed. i don't regret kissing you. i still love you, i can't move on from you, i know you love me too but things are just still complicated. i'll always want you but i guess when you're apart from someone you love for two years, things don't just fall back into place and go back to normal. i don't know." i reply. i hear shawn sigh beside me and checking his phone.
i throw my finished cigarette away and all of a sudden shawn grabs my face and places his lips onto mine. i am taken aback, but i slowly wrap my arms around his neck, running my hands through his hair like old times. shawn deepens the kiss, slipping his tongue in. our tongues fight for dominance and i slowly shift my position and i am now on his lap, my legs at either side of him. shawn's hands roam my body, but end up staying on my waist.
eventually he pulls away and i look him in the eyes. i slowly get off of him and go back to where i was sitting before.
"happy new year." shawn smiles at me before getting up and leaving.
