The Five Musketeers

Chapter 1 - Mother Dearest

"Full of vexation come I with complaint. Against my child, my daughter Hermia."

~Egeus, A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act 1 Scene 1.

        School ended for the summer in a flurry of upperclassmen pranks and procrastination. If normal end of the year celebrations were ranked on a scale of fireworks, the end of Jess's sophomore year was a match being lit. And then immediately being extinguished. Jess figured she would've at least felt excited, or something akin to happiness. But when the last bell of the year rang, all she felt was a mild twinge of disappointment that her health class wouldn't get to finish their rendition of What Time Is It? from High School Musical.

        That was three days ago. For three days Jess had holed up in her room reading epic fantasies, watching South Park, and staying up until 2 am for no reason whatsoever. It wasn't until four days into her vacation that Jess figured she might as well stop sleeping into 11 each day; because then it was basically noon, which was almost evening, which was basically night time, which meant time for bed. Not a productive cycle.

        Five days after her second year in the hell hole ended, Jess figured she should call someone. Before she completely lost any and all abilities to interact with other humans.

        "Honey," Jess's mom walked into her room. She surveyed the cesspool of dirty clothes and haphazardly placed books with a wrinkled nose. "You haven't seen your friends since the night school ended. Don't you want to call Nicole? Or Michelle? Really, anyone will do at this point, sweetie."

        "Moooooom," Jess complained from under her blankets. "You're letting too much light in. It's almost unbearable. And, for your information, I've been trying to get over my PTSD. That's why I haven't talked to anyone in 10 years."

        "You don't have PTSD," her mom replied unimpressed.

        "Yes, I do. First of all, Biology was the biggest bully I've ever come across. It made me cry, mother, cry. And don't get me started on AP Euro. My soul is still a black pit, unsympathetic to even the most wretched story because of that class. Why, I remember - "

        "Yeah, I know, you're an Einstein child. I love you Jess, but really, that's in the Past. That's not a legit reason to claim you have PTSD. I don't remember you going off to fight in a war, either. That's also not a reason for talking only to your brother over the bast few days. It's weird."

        "Listen, our debate about Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter will go down in history as a bloody, gruesome quarrel that was only resolved by a Nerf gun fight. Besides, Jeff hasn't seen any of his friends this summer either, he just sits in the basement watching Family Guy for hours on end. He disgusts me."

        "He's your twin brother. And that's exactly what you've been doing, too."

        "Touche. But not Family Guy. Never Family Guy. And anyways, I was about to call Nicole and see if she wants to go swimming in Michelle's pool with me. See, I have friends. I swear."

        Jess's mom looked annoyed, and bustled to the desk, where she put a stray bra back into the dresser. "You haven't even asked Michelle if you can use her pool, have you?"

        "Technically it's not even her pool, though. It's really a neighborhood pool. A community pool, if you will. And you know what communities derive from. Communists. As in, people who share everything. Try to argue with that. Just try."

        "Fine, Joseph Stalin. You don't have a key, anyways." Jess swore loudly in her head at the reminder. She couldn't swear out loud, because of the Kindergarten Incident. While in kindergarten, she and Jeff had gotten off the bus one afternoon with a new, more colorful vocabulary. When they excidedly shared their new words with their mother, she flipped out, forbade them from ever cussing again, and washed their mouths with soap.

        The closest Jeff and Jess ever came to swearing was a hearty, "GOSH DARN," or an angry, "Fire TRUCK!" in front of their mother. She could be terrifying.

        "Fine, I guess I'll call Michelle, too, and ask if we can come over."

        "Thank you, sweetie. And you should probably shower, while you're at it. Seriously, it reeks in here. When's the last time you bathed?"

        "Okay, Louis XIV only bathed like four times in his life. And he was the king of France when it was actually a cool country."

        "Well, unfortunately for you, you're most definitely not Louis XIV, so you have absolutely no excuse for smelling like a twice baked dead pig. Also, stop making weird historical refrences about people I've never heard of. It's annoying, honey."

       "Gee wiz," Jess said sarcastically. "Okay, I get it. I'm gross and will probably never find love. Thanks, mom. Anyways, can you get out? I really am gonna clean up, and then I'll talk to Nicole and Michelle and see if they're doing anything."

        Jess's mom smiled, wrinkled her nose, and left the room. Flopping back on her bed, Jess sighed and looked around lazily for her phone. She saw it lying under an old math text book she forgot to turn it, and grabbed it.

        Turning it on, she typed out a quick text to Nicole asking if she wanted a ride to Michelle's who lived an ungodly 7 miles away from the others. Getting a quick reply, Jess rapidly dragged her ass out of bed and trudged to the bathroom to wash the scent of five days of Netflix away.

        Briefly she considered calling Michelle to ask if she was alright with her and Nicole barging over. Then she shrugged and decided that surprises were always nice and Michelle would be glad to see them. After all, it wasn't like any of them had a life or anything.