The Five Musketeers

Chapter 6 - Hipster

"Wherefore was I to this keen mockery born? When at your hands did I deserve this scorn? Is’t not enough, is ’t not enough, young man, That I did never, no, nor never can, Deserve a sweet look from Demetrius' eye."

~Helena, A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act 2 Scene 2.

       

         Jess had always loved food. Some might say a little too much. Shunning all exercise because it made her boobs hurt and feet ache, it was a miracle she somehow wasn't 300 pounds of mini donuts and hot chocolate.

        This would become a problem when she hit 30 and her high metabolism slowed down to a slow trudge through all the refined sugars she consumed. But by then she figured she'd have trapped some guy into a marriage, and he couldn't leave her fat ass without looking like a douche. Really, it was a fool proof plan.

        As Peter uttered, "BLT," Jess became unreasonably excited. Her mouth watered, and her fingers shaped themselves like they were holding a sandwich. Looking up with renewed vigor, she grinned and asked, "Where? A BLT sounds awesome right now."

        Chuckling nervously, Nicole lowered Jess's greedy fingers back to her side. "The BLT that Pete's referring to isn't edible, dear. It's a code name, of sorts."

        Confused, Jess almost didn't hear Peter's disgruntled, "DON'T call me Pete." 

        "Well if you're not talking about a sandwich from heaven, then what are you blubbering about?"

        Glancing nervously at the others, Nicole crawled backwards, grabbed Jack, and pushed him in front of an angry, BLT deprived Jess. He grinned charmingly, running his hands through his hair. Jess refused to be blinded by years of orthodontic work and expertly applied hair gel.

         "Well, you see Jess, BLT stands for 'The Bucket List to End all Bucket Lists' which is pretty self explanatory."

        For a moment or three Jess stared dumbfounded at her four best friends. A feeling of betrayal started to seep into her bones slowly, and then as if a dam broke, all at once. 

        Hair expanding rapidly and face growing pink, Jess pointed a finger dangerously at the group. "You're telling me . . . that you guys . . . created a freaking . . . bucket list?" By the end of her inquisition her voice had become an unpleasant, banshee-like shriek.

       "I cannot stand bucket lists. They just serve as a reminder of all you didn't accomplish, because who the hell does everything on their stupid bucket list? Nobody, tha's who! But it's not even just that, a normal bucket list. It's worse. It's a summer bucket list, isn't it? Isn't It?" 

        Shuffling her feet, Michelle spoke up. "Yes, it is - " She was loudly interrupted by Jess's wail of despair. Rolling her eyes, Michelle stomped her foot. "Just shut up, Jess. We all know you pretend to hate everything that's been in some chick-flick, but this is different. We're different than everyone else who attempts this. . . ." Michelle reached the end of her speech, floundering for words and unable to think of anything else to say.

        "I don't just pretend to hate them, I do! I really do, I swear! And by saying we're all unique snowflakes and different from everyone else is just playing into their hands!" Jess cried in a frenzy.

        "Dude, who's hands are we talking about?" Jack raised an eyebrow.

        "Society's hand, Jack. Society's hand!" at this point Jess had to stop and take several breaths to calm herself down before her blood pressure rose to unsafe heights.