dreamland

nine

I was sitting in that back seat, beside the window with my friends talking over one another and the music gliding between our bodies, and out the windows.

That is when I broke my own silence and told them about what I had just discovered that weekend.

I said it, in a tone just a little above a whisper because I didn't want to repeat myself.

One of them said, I knew it, god I called it.

The other made a face as she turned back to look at me from the passenger seat, that asshole, she asked.

And then she met my eyes through the rear view mirror, the one I was closest to, my best friend, beside her, they all were just strangers we were giving rides to, and smirked coyly.

Finally my friend beside me said, I don't blame you, he's fucking hot.

We all laughed as our hair got tangled with the outside breeze from the freeway.

I couldn't stop laughing. Sure, being in love was dazzling and mind bending in pretty ways. But to move on, to feel that buzz of something new, was exhilarating. It felt so liberating to feel my heart race with novelty instead of constant torment of old events. Especially when moving on from something ugly, something that was like those food that are no good for you. It's like that chocolatey candy bar or salty chips, all filled with empty calories.

You were like my, deliciously sweet and savory candy, that although tasted so great, was in no way beneficial. Your deliciousness left me with a bitter taste and aching stomach.

I bobbed my head, singing loudly, as they all pleaded me to stop because I didn't have the voice of an angel. But they soon joined me and we bumped our hips against the doors and against each other. We waved our hands as far as the car roof let us as we sang along to whatever came on the radio.

I kept wondering even then, where he was and if just by some wild chance, he was thinking of me.

My wonderment came to a close when I spotted him three houses away from mine one afternoon as I drove home. I recognized the house, I knew who lived there. She was a girl that I'd known from school, and although we lived down the street from one another we hardly ever spoke to each other.
I remember it felt like that day I had seen you, all over again. That unsettling feeling pulsating all over my body, the doubt and most of all the fear of what could be. I wondered, what if he was like a boat that had already sailed off into sea. And if he had already sailed, then that meant I had no chance whatsoever. No matter how much I wanted him now.

He had seen me then too, there was car grease on his yellow shirt and now smeared across his forehead. His hair, that reminded me of the deep space above, was tucked under a baseball cap. He raised his eyebrow at me, as he always did, like if to say, what, what do you want.
I couldn't say anything as I just wondered, could he be with her?

I went inside my house and up into my room where I lied down on my bed and looked up. I felt a question on each of my fingers so that every time I rubbed them over my eyes, I read each one of them. Was he with her? Or was this only the doubt that I now carried with me everywhere since you? Did I just happen to now be the girl that liked guys that were unavailable? Was this my fault? Why did I like boys like this? Or was I just getting ahead of myself?

I turned on my side, towards my window that faced all the other houses on the street. The house he was at was too far for me to see from here to my dismay.

I opened my window and stuck my head out, craning my neck, trying to get just a tiny glimpse of him. But I still couldn't see. My best friend's car finally pulled up and when I looked down she was grinning up at me.

I had forgotten that she was coming over today as she called out my name. I rolled my eyes and went downstairs to open the door.

We went up to my room and after she roamed around like if it was her first time seeing it, I felt myself burst. She put down my hairbrush and looked at me as I stared down at my toenails.

She said, he's still fucking with your mind, isn't he? It was pathetic, it was horrible. I'd always heard of girls getting cheated on and I used to think it wasn't the end of the world as they made it out to seem. But now I know that it is. It's the end of the world of trust and certainty and confidence in what and whom you have.

You really like him don't you, she asked quietly as the breeze blew into the room.

I don't know, he's the first guy that I've been thinking about like crazy ever since, I said trailing off what I didn't need to finish.

She already knew.
We both watched a boy with a yellow shirt rollerblade by.

I don't know that he is, but then again he's very elusive, no one even knows if he has parents, she replied calmly.

We looked at each other and she tucked my hair behind my ear, leave it to me, I'll find out, she said. I nodded and I turned to look out the window as his car steered by.

We both reacted quickly, immediately throwing ourselves back on my bed as he passed my window. She laughed and I laughed with her as I asked her, do you think he saw me.

And as I asked, I hoped she said
yes, I hoped he had.