dreamland

twenty-two

It was a very slow day in which you didn't even know what you wanted to do. You could have stayed home and slept but you knew that would only depress you and leave you with a feeling that told you, you were wasting your time.

It was my friend and I in her car and I kept looking out the window as she talked and said we could go to the outlet mall or maybe try the Italian food over here or maybe go to the blue house... I said nothing to all of her suggestions because there was nothing I actually felt like doing.

She finally pulled up outside an empty Psychic Reading house and said, so, are we just going to waste gas all day.

I looked over at her eyelids covered in blue eye shadow and her hair twisted up and the tube top she wore; she had actually wanted to go out.

There's just nowhere I want to go, I said quietly.

After the day I'd ditched school and gone to his house, she asked me where I had gone.
I had lied once again and said that I simply went home because I couldn't deal. It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the truth so I think that still made me a liar after all.

She blinked at me and said, why didn't you just say so, she looked away and I knew she was bothered. She was trying really hard to not let it show but I still caught it because it was very obvious. She looked back at me with my head resting on the passenger seat, I said, he came over again after that first time. The truth eventually did come out and it had because I had chosen to let it out.

She immediately said, I knew it, I knew it, you went to see him that day you skipped school, didn't you, she asked. That was yet another story I hadn't told her about. There were actually very many.
No, I actually went to see someone else on that day, I said looking down at my half bitten nails.

What, you went to see who, she asked, her tone curious and dubious. She retracted and said, you know what, I don't care, she put her hands up, this was old news to her, did you talk to him when you saw him again.
I tried to answer but she spoke right over me, you told him you didn't want to talk to him, right. I turned away and watched the winking eye that flashed and then went off and flashed again. It was tempting you to walk in and be told a load of crap by a woman with too many bracelets and a long purple skirt.
There was no way a stranger could tell you what would occur next in your life. Not even could you tell what was to occur in your own life.

Fuck, you didn't, you actually listened to all the crap he had to say, didn't you, she said. I turned and said, shut up, don't say it like that. She stopped and said, say it like how, can I not be angry that you're actually eating all the shit he's saying, am I supposed to fucking celebrate, she asked. She ran a hand through her hair and said, it's like, she sighed and looked out the window. No, say it, I urged her. She turned back and said, I don't get how you couldn't forgive your friend for what she did but you can forgive him for making you look so stupid.
I blinked hard and said, who said I forgave him.
She rolled her eyes, its only a matter of time, I mean you're getting fucking defensive just talking about this, you want him back, you're going to let him win.
I held my breath and looked up and she just kept going. She kept pointing out everything like if I didn't already know it was there. And she just kept calling me stupid in all sorts of ways.

It doesn't matter if he says he loves you, he doesn't, okay, fucking listen when I say it already, she said.

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I couldn't just let her rub it in harder and harder, causing friction.

The more she rubbed the more friction she created which eventually sparked and caught fire.

Just shut up, I said lowly.

What, she laughed, look, the truth hurts or whatever, I know it does but god, I don't get how you don't see it, he didn't love you, ever, okay.
Shut up, I said again.
She ignored me and said, you're making it so simple for him to come back, like if nothing ever happened.

Shut up, I said again but still she didn't hear me.

It blows my fucking mind because you were a fucking mess and now you're pretending like that shit he put you through was actually not even part of the whole relationship, like it's erased, she said animatedly with her hands moving in the air and creating shapes.
I don't know how you could ever believe he did love you, she said.
And with that I was done being called stupid.

You don't know anything, so just shut up. I don't want to talk about this anymore, I said crossing my arms and buckling myself up.

I was ready to leave this shady house and to be on the road again. I didn't want to even say your name around her anymore.
No, I'm not going to shut up, I care about you, I don't want you going back with him, she said her voice almost empathetic.
Don't say that, you call me stupid and then you say you care, I said my voice so distasteful.

I do care about you, she said her voice hurt.

But you don't get it, that's why you can't talk about it, I exclaimed.

What is there to get, she asked like if I really had to explain it to her.

You've never been in love, all you know is how to hook up with a girl for a night and never see them again, you've never even had a girlfriend, I said glaring at her.
I chewed my lips and looked at the trees in front of us, because you know damn well that you're afraid of being stupid like me, I said.

She looked defiantly at me, I didn't call you stupid before but you are being stupid right now, she spoke to me.

I was finished with this. I was over it.

I stepped out her car and she said, I don't know why you want to be so stupid, you know you're smart but by acting like you're not, you're stupid, she repeated as I grabbed my purse and keys.

Fuck you, I said before shutting her car door close.

She waited for a couple seconds before she drove away and I looked at the Psychic house.

I didn't want or expect her to beg me into her car.

She knew I needed space. She knew she needed the space too.

The house beckoned me to come in but I kept thinking, stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn't choosing to be stupid. I wasn't even doing anything. I wasn't even fucking choosing to do either or.
I stepped onto the sidewalk and walked home because it was only a short walk away.
There wasn't time to contemplate or think with short walks.