dreamland

twenty-four

I went to see him even though I didn't owe him anything. In a way I guess I sort of did because he had brought back my earrings and pulled me out the snow. But just like he did that; he also rejected me.
I don't know why it hurt so much.
I had been rejected before like anyone else had. I wasn't a gold coin; not everyone was going to like me and much the less think I was the prettiest girl.

I'd knocked once on his blue front door and when his mother answered I swallowed so hard I was sure she could hear it. The only set of parents that I'd come to meet were my best friend's and even then, I was still unsure if her mother liked or disliked me. Maybe it didn't matter anymore because I'd been friends with her daughter for so long.
I just didn't know how to get along with parents. I was always so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I just came off as shy and distant.

There was gray in her hair and I saw that the electric green eyes were hers before they were her son's. He had stolen them from her at birth.

I said I had come here to see him, her son, and asked if he was home and she asked me who I was instead of replying.

I didn't want to say who I was, I was too worried about how it would look to him and even his mother.

What would she think of me?

I finally said my name and I told her that I was his friend which was the farthest thing from the truth. Even when I said it I started to question what we actually were and realized we were only people that knew each other.
We'd never had a heart-to-heart and, well, it was definite that he didn't like me. He had judged me like everyone else did, he picked up the book and looked at the cover, not caring what the inside cover read. He probably even knew about my history before he even knew my name.

She finally told me where he was and so I drove the five miles out into the rural parts of town to find him. The trees grew thicker and the roads winded sharper here and you could hear the distant Atlantic Ocean waves crashing coldly. It was far and the distance was so vast and almost eternal. Everyone knew what distance meant, distance, it meant escape. He wanted to be alone yet I still infringed through.

When I arrived to where his mother had so explicitly directed me to, I wondered what his reason for being here even was. It was a car shop which I obviously noticed by the sign but it was closed because there were no other cars or other people. I knew that they were usually loud and crowded, but there was none of that.

I got out my car and blew on my hands before placing them into my red jacket's pockets and stepped under the roof where there were several other vehicles. Cars of different colors and sizes and with different reason for being here.

I heard the sound of a heavy rock song in Spanish which I descried almost immediately. It was a song I hadn't even heard lately but I knew distantly like from a dream.

I stood there and gazed at him as he sang along and worked on the open hood of the ugliest blue car I'd ever seen.

He looked up and his mood went right to broody. He turned down the music and said, what are you doing here.

I said to him, as I looked at his eyes and his arms and just all that was him, this is an ugly car, why even bother.

He looked at me dubiously and even I knew that what I said was stupid. It was stupid to pretend that I was here just to visit and talk mindlessly. But it had been the only thing that came to mind to be truthful.

His eyes asked me again what he was too annoyed to ask. Why are you here, this is what he wanted to know.

He's back, I said laughing slightly, I looked down at my black shoes and said nothing else.

But he knew that, he'd seen me with you at school. I had nothing else to say.

Why were you at my school, I asked almost bravely.

He glared at me and turned his eyes back to the car, you think I was there for you, he asked like if it was just ridiculous for me to have that thought.

I didn't say anything else as I thought about all the things I had to say. It was like, I had it all sitting in my stomach but I didn't know what would come out. But it was what I hadn't said to him that day that I think I needed to say now, along with so much more. It was the 'secret' he claimed I had. It was no secret. I think he knew too.

He stared at me and finally said, so what, you're here to forget about him, to distract yourself from him with me, he asked his tone suddenly hostile.

I looked up and said, what, no, that's not what it is at all. I felt that my words were dripping of deceit. The words dripped heavily and created a slippery puddle at my feet that called me a liar. I hated liars and I hated that I actually was one now.

Yes, yes, you are, you're here so that you can decide who you like more, he stared, but let me tell you something, he said drawing closer. His green eyes became vibrant and luminous and so piercing; if you're trying to forget, do it with someone else, he said.

He was so close and even though he was once again telling me to fuck off, I wondered what his lips would really feel like. Maybe this time it would have been distinct and hot like I'd imagined it.

He pulled back and with his hands he said, fuck, I don't know why you want to even be with him.

I blinked suddenly attentive and asked, why would you say that.

He turned to face me and I could hear the words of another rock song I knew flow in easily and softly like if it was shy to interrupt us.

He looked at me and said, you really don't see it, he had so much disbelief in his eyes.

For once, it was he that couldn't comprehend me.

I rolled mine and said, god, the bruise wasn't his fucking fault, he'd never hurt me, I said.

Then why did he cheat on you, he asked right back.

It was hot and cold and it slapped my cheek, making my eyes sting. We both didn't say anything, all I could hear was the wind and the song that I realized now was actually my dad's favorite.

Not physically, I ended lamely, with a small exhausted breath, he wouldn't hurt me physically, I said.

I looked down at my shoes as I thought about his lips on her and his skin stuck on her and his voice in her ears. They were ugly snapshots that I had never seen in reality but still were so graphic that they had to be real.

He fucking cheated on you and you know that nothing can make that feel better, he said his voice so ugly.

It was ugly because it was the truth.
I cried hot salty tears but he kept going, what do you think, that if you fuck me, then you can make him feel like he made you feel, he questioned.

I wiped my flushed cheeks and said, this is not about him, you know I like you.

He looked at me flippantly and said, no, you just want to like someone else.

It didn't matter what I said because he had the right thing to say that would rise up and bite me every time. It would bite me and force me to face the mirror so I could see things for what they actually were. I tried to see what my heart would say but the door was closed and I tried to figure what my head was thinking but all the windows were closed.

I had no response.

I was fucking clueless. I felt like I'd taken the wrong turn and ended up in vacant, dimly lit area of town.

Go home and figure it out yourself, I'm not going to help you, he said finalizing it all.

He put the volume up to his music so that if I even tried to talk to him I would have to yell. He looked right into my eyes too as he did it. He wanted me gone. He wanted me to evaporate I think.

I turned around and walked to my car where I sat and sobbed because I had no best friend to talk to about what I was and wasn't feeling.