dreamland

nineteen

It was the first day of classes and I could see around the room everyone had a new pair of socks or a new scent surrounding them like pink and orange clouds.

I tried to pay attention, I really did, but it was so difficult when so many eyes looked at me while I looked for yours.

Once again, you were back to your tricks and acts. I should have been used to this but god was it overwhelming.

I felt so disconnected from this day and I felt so far away even as my best friend came to me and hugged me as I leaned on the wall, exhaustedly after class. I hugged her back but over her head I saw as girls' eyes darted away from mine as they spoke in hushed tones.
I held her eyes, waiting to see if she would stop her whispers and move on, move away, but she didn't. She didn't feel shy in talking about my life and my past. She did it as if it was the news of everyone so it had to be spread like butter on toast.

She asked me how I was and I made a noise in the back of my throat that meant I could really have been better.
And I had been better, right up until you had to walked into that party.

She looked at me and said that I should just ignore you, ignore that you were even here, act as if things were just how they were before you came.

I looked at her blankly and said, but he already came to speak to me.
So how could I ignore you when you were standing in front of me and demanding my attention?

Her eyes opened wide and she held onto my hands tightly, shocked and interested all at once.
Her earrings dangled distractingly as she looked at me and asked what had happened.
I told her what you had said but left out the part in which you kissed me.
I don't know why I didn't tell her.
There usually weren't secrets between us. Maybe eventually I would tell.
But for now, this was my secret.

She called you an asshole and said whatever, it doesn't change what he did, it doesn't change the past.
That part was true.
It was as true as the ground I stood on and the air I breathed.
I looked down at my brown boots and then up at her, I asked her, I asked her what my sorry heart had trembled and whispered after you left.

I asked her, then why does it feel like it does.

She didn't know what to say, she usually didn't. She knew how to be there, handing me the tub of ice cream and pointing out your flaws as we lied on her bedroom floor.
But she was never all that good at giving advice, all she can do is hug and that has always been enough.
Until now.
I needed an answer for that.
I didn't want to be pulled back into the nimbus that surrounded you like poison.

She brushed her hair behind her ears and said, but it doesn't, he still lied to you all that time, he still hurt you, love doesn't hurt she whispered.

She didn't know much about love, she never had been in love, who even wanted to fall in love this early?
I don't think even I knew really.
There had been times I had hurt those I loved but it didn't mean I loved them any less.
So then what really was love?

She sighed and said, if he really loved you like he still says then he would just leave you alone. It's what you want him to do so if he knows that will make you happy, then he'll do it.
She stated it so confidently.

I stayed quiet and looked at a guy in yellow sweater walk by slowly.
He disappeared into the lecture room and so I found a new body to focus on.

She looked at me, sharp-eyes outlined with glittery eyeliner, you can't be sucked in again, it's tempting and all but it's going to hurt.
She looked up at the clock and said hurriedly, I'll meet you here after class, okay, we can go to my place.