dreamland

ten

There were days, when I was already months into the heavy awful dark of what is known as a heartbreak, when I would allow myself to hold my breath and go down under.

There was a deep sea filled with snippets of you. I would tell myself to be strong, to forget and those were the days when I wouldn't allow myself to go down.
I would hold on and keep my head above water because to remember you left me feeling weak and pathetic and stupid.

But on the days that I would go down, a new memory would latch onto me and consume me whole.

I would hear the sound of your voice as you would say my name. I would turn to look at you and I would catch a glimpse of that secret you held inside for so long. But at that time, I thought nothing more of it. I would say what, what is it, as I laughed and wondered why you always gave me that weird look without words. You would touch my chin, lightly, gently and then look away.

And then another memory would come to me, speeding like a bullet filled with more than just gunpowder.
Your hand trailing up my left thigh, pushing open my right thigh as you looked right into my eyes. All those risqué feelings would fuel my heart and speed up my breath. It was another trick that I believed no one else could do as well as you did.

Next it was me, my hands wrapped around the back of your neck as I gasped and attempted to kiss you. But I couldn't kiss you, couldn't reach your head above me as you thrusted harder and harder.

Then another memory, a soft one, soft and light and warm like being outdoors in fresh spring. We were eating ice cream sandwiches at an abandoned park. I had thought you were so eccentric for the spots you chose for us.
Now I see that it was just another way to watch your back.

We finished the ice cream and then you started to push me on that swing. You did it slow because you knew I wasn't the girl to scream for you to take me higher. I had been fine with my feet on the ground.

You stopped the swing and brought your lips to my ear and told me a secret. It felt like a secret by the tone of your voice. It was low and it was unprecedented and it was soft.

You said you had been obsessed with one other thing before, when you were five, but now fourteen years later, you knew what obsession actually was.
I knew that meant something, I knew it did. It was more than when boys tell you you are pretty and you are different and whatever hackneyed thing boys tell us.

Another memory sprung up; from beneath my toes, it was nighttime, like most of these memories locations'.
You had taken to me a place that was way outside of town. You told me to stay close because it was slippery and just as I reached out to connect my hand with yours, I felt the mud slide beneath my shoes.
I kept trying to take notice of where we were but it was pitch black and I wondered if I had my eyes closed in a dark room. When we finally stopped, I realized that we were on an old bridge, my knees began to buckle until you told me to look at you. I did as you said and you told me we were only a couple feet off the ground.
Look at the sky, look up, look at the stars, you said in a whisper, I could hardly hear you over the rushing water.

But I finally looked up and you said, it makes you feel like nothing is real, like everything is just so small. I understood what you meant as I looked up at all the stars and began to wonder just how many more there were. It would only hurt my brain to think that hard and far.

I always come up here when things, you sighed, when things just start to really screw with me.

I didn't even know what you were talking about in particular, all I could think about now, were the stars and the planets and the galaxies and universes out there.

Do you get what I mean, you asked, your voice strained and susceptible. I said mhm, nonchalantly, as my mind begin to trace out shapes with the stars.

I want to tell you something, look at me, please, you said.

I could hear the sound of the water rushing louder and the creak of the bridge was now something I couldn't ignore. I blinked once and twice as you grabbed my chin and made me look at you. A light I didn't even know existed, flickered over our heads and it reminded of a cartoon where the light bulb goes off above a character's head when he is hit with an idea.
I was suddenly hit with the idea, again, that I was above a rushing body of water.

You looked on the verge of something and I felt so hyperaware of the water, of the bridge, of the height, of your unsteady eyes. Your hands were curled around my arms as I saw that whatever you needed to say, troubled you.

I wanted to say, what is it, say it already, but my eyes were so curious to look down. But then, the bit of light that shone on our faces, went out and I could no longer see your face. I couldn't see how high up and how deep down the water was.

You cursed and I blinked dumbly, feeling better but at the same time, confused. Your mouth found mine within the darkness and I heard the bridge creak below our feet, like if our weight on it, pained it.
I kissed you, wondering if I did or didn't have my eyes closed. You pressed me up against the bridge and it terrified me, with the sound of cold fast water underneath us.
But you weren't afraid, I don't think, you kept kissing me, harder and harder.

My mouth hurt, like if I'd been punched, the whole quiet, and confusing drive home.