The Idiot

Wednesday, January 18, 2023

"Winter... Winter... WINTER... WINTER... WINTER..." a voice that I recognize grew louder and louder as it echoed around me.

"You didn't listen to me!" my mother's voice yelled as her body seemed to materialize in front of me. I knew that this was real.

"This isn't possible," I mumbled.

"Oh, this is very possible. Winter, what did I tell you in my letter?"

"And what did you tell me when you were living?" I spatter back at her. "You never cared about me!"

Her face was stone cold. "I did care. I just didn't want you to take after me or to get sick."

"That's why you kept me hidden away for my whole life!"

"It was for your own good."

"Bullshit! If you wanted that, you would never FUCKING die, and left me with THAT jackass!"

"What did the letter say?"

"Some bullshit of how my father is the guy that you talked shit about my whole fucking life!"

She looked at me with a very unamused look. "'Dear Winter, my sweet daughter, I'm sorry that I have to leave you...'" she started to recite the letter to me.

"STOP! I fucking read this!"

"'You were always the closest to me, and I loved you every...'"

"Shut up!"

"'moment that you were blessed into my life.'"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Why don't you? 'I pray that you have an amazing life ahead of you. You are so talented in so many ways...'"

I charged my mother, and I was going to punch her. Instead, my fist went right through her as she droned on. "'...that I have always taught you, kids, that the Blackhawks was a bad team...'"

I continued to try to punch and kick her just to blow off steam. "...your father actually is one of their stars..."

Punch, kick, punch, punch... I continued screaming for her to be quiet. Once I was tired, the only thing I could listen to was her.

"'From when I knew your father, he wasn't actually that bad. I have no idea how he is anymore since he made it big. I know that you heard about many things that happened throughout his career. I know that you have listened to me about my hatred for the guy. I know that it was wrong for me to push my feeling onto you. I WISH that you'll at least GIVE HIM A CHANCE! I love you with all my heart, Mom.'"

"You didn't listen to me. No wonder you're no longer playing hockey!"

That set me off again.

"Winter, you have always been a disappointment!"

With that my dream changed to when I was five. The family was in Buffalo visiting one of Mom's old friends. We had to stay in the motel room when they met, but when Mom got back, she took us out for supper.

I went to the bathroom, but I was having troubles finding the table in the big restaurant. There was the guy with curly blond hair and blue eyes that found me shaking and crying. He had a dark-haired friend with him.

He bent down to my level with a huge smile. "Hi, my name is Pat, what's your name?"

Between sniffles, I managed to say. "Win...Winter."

"It's nice to meet you, Winter. Are you lost?"

I nodded my little head. If Mom found out I spoke to strangers I knew that I would be in big trouble, but I don't know what else I can do to find her. "I can't find my mommy!"

He nodded at that. "And what does your mommy look like?"

"Pretty."

He and his friend laughed at that. "What color is her hair?"

"Brown. My brothers are with her. They are the same age as me. They have more friend."

"I bet you have loads of friends. Anyways, I know that me and Jon here will be your friends."

My little face grew into a huge smile. "Let's go find your mother."

He picked me up so I could see the people while I walked passed. It didn't take me long to find my mom. I pointed at her. "Mommy!"

Pat set me down, so I could run over to her. She gave me a huge smile, that quickly disappeared when she saw who brought me back to her.

"Mommy, this is my friend, Pat! His name is in Patty Cakes!"

"Um, yes honey. Thank you."

Pat looked at her. "Do I know you from somewhere?"

Mom shook her head in terror. "No. I'm not from here."

"No, have you been in Chicago?"

"No. Now if you excuse us. I got to get these munchkins back to the motel before we head home tomorrow. Good day." She laid a wad of money on the table before she sheltered us out of the place. As soon as we were out of earshot of the two men, Mom screamed at me telling me how much I just fucked up.

"You never listened!"

I woke up with a start. My face was soaked, and four worried faces were in my room at four o'clock in the morning. Patrick must have just gotten home after their loss.

"Are you alright?" Amanda asked from my side. Her face was so full worry that it almost killed me with guilt.

"Yeah, I am. Don't worry about me."

Patrick nodded at that. "Boys, go to bed."

"But," they both started to object.

"Bed. Now!" They both left after Patrick pointed to the door and sounded so serious. He sat by my feet with his own worry intertwin with his features.

I took a deep breath. "Amanda, can you please leave?"

She bent down and kissed my forehead before she left.

"Patrick, can I ask you a question?" I was shaking. Does he know, or was that just a fabric of my imagination?

He placed his hand on my knee. "Anything."

"About ten years ago, in Buffalo, do you remember helping a little girl find her mother and brother? I think Jon would have been there."

He sat there for several moments thinking before his face changed to wide eyes and mouth. "A little girl named Winter." I nodded. "That was you."

"Yup, before I remember getting told terrible stories about you."

His face dropped. "You were remembering moments of your mother."

"How do you know?"

"When my grandfather died, I had many dreams of him."

"Did you ever talk with him?"

He only nodded at that. "Winter, why don't you try to get some sleep. We can talk more in the morning." With that, he was gone, and I was alone once more.