The Idiot

Thursday, January 12, 2023

I didn't start the game tonight. Wyatt did with his new line mates. I'm okay now, not playing on the same line as them, since I still haven't spoken with them.

Quickly I looked around the rink, my eyes landed on Anna and Amanda sitting behind the goal like always. I couldn't help but to smile at them, but it was only for the woman who opened the door for me this week.

After that I looked to the other end of the rink, I saw Jamie sitting with his teammates. They were goofing around and laughing. I wish that I could be over there right now than here. If I was them, that would mean I would be on varsity, and everything would be right in the world.

My mind was snapped back into game focus when I heard the goal buzzer. Looking at the scoreboard, I saw a point for the home team. The problem is, we are not the home team.

Wyatt skated over with his head down. I'm sure that the goal wasn't his fault, but he was still on the ice. William and his gang jumped over the boards. They didn't have a very good shift. All they were doing was defending, and that's not how you want to spend your shift.

When I finally got onto the ice two shifts later, I took the face off at the center dot, down by two. Easily, I won it, and the puck went to one of the defensemen. He passed it back to me as I made my way across their blue line. I made a couple of moves, and I heard somebody bang their sticks off the ice. I ignored that and paved my own path towards the goal. It ended with me easily sliding the puck behind the goalie.

My line mates came over, but they didn't seem like they were too happy that we just scored a goal. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl and I'm a way better hockey player than they are. I would be pissed too if I was in their shoes, but I'm not.

After that goal, I sat on the bench for a good five minutes! I'm one of the best players on this team and he's sitting me out for five to ten minutes at a time. Wouldn't he want me to stay out there and net more goals so we could win this game?

We ended up losing the game, even though four out of the six shifts I got in the game I scored with no help from my teammates.

I quickly listened to the speech the coach gave before I disappeared into my own private changing room. I was pissed and started to wish that this fricken school had a girls' team because I don't want to deal with these idiots anymore. Literally, everyone around me is fucking pissing me off!

Taking my time to change and put away my gear, I tried to calm myself down. Mom always got mad at me for acting like this, but she would always say, "You're too much like your father." That would make me even madder because of how she would talk about my 'father' I didn't want to have anything alike to him.

Growing up, all I ever wanted in my life was the acceptance from my mom, but I never really gotten it. I still want it. It's sad really me wanting to feel accepted from my dead parent, but I can't help but to want it. I need a drink.

I didn't realize how long I was in the changing room until I went out to sit next to my teammates. The varsity game only had two minutes left in the second period, and they were tied 0-0.

Sitting in an empty seat a little bit away from the team, I started to intensity watch the game, but my mind kept on wandering.

Most of my thoughts went right to my mother and some moments that we shared with each other. It wasn't much, but it was something.

Mom and I was washing dishing after supper one night. "Mom, can I stay after school tomorrow and hang out with the boys?" the fourteen year old me asked being tried of being pent up in the same apartment since I was born.

She looked at me with her very tired and drained face. This would be a week before we would find out that she had stage four cancer. "No, Winter. You know the rules now be quiet and finish these dishes for me. I need to take a nap."

"Why do I have to do it? I always fucking have to do this!"

The look that I got made me shut my mouth. "You have to do it because I told you too and watch your tone with me young lady!"

"IT'S NOT FAIR! THE BOY GETS TO GO OUT AND HANG OUT WITH THEIR FRIENDS, AND I GET STUCK HERE! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT CLEAN AND COOK AND STAY IN THIS FUCKING TINY APARTMENT UNTIL I'M FUCKING OLD ENOUGH TO MOVE OUT! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I TURN EIGHTTEEN!" I smashed the plate that I had in my hand on the counter next to me.

"YOU CAN'T SAY THAT I NEVER LET YOU DO ANYTHING! YOU PLAYED HOCKEY WITH YOUR FUCKING BROTHERS THIS YEAR AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT, AND I LET YOU PARTICIPATE IN OTHER SPORTS! I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT NOTHING HAPPENS TO YOU LIKE IT FUCKING HAPPENED TO ME!"

"DON'T FUCKING WORRY, I WON'T FUCKING GET PREGNANT IN HIGH SCHOOL WITH A GUY WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME LIKE YOU DID!"

Mom's face froze when she heard me yell that. That struck home with her. After a couple of seconds, I saw her eyes gloss over. "Just get out of the kitchen, Winter. Don't leave the house, but I don't want to see you for a little bit."

If I could, I would have gone to my bedroom, but my room was the living room's couch with Mom. The boys' occupancy the only bedroom in the place.

The sound of the buzzer drew me from my memory, but it didn't take long for my brain to dive into another.

I stepped on the ice for the first time at twelve. Mom didn't know about this, but I didn't really care. If she found out, I would most likely be dead because this was one of the rules that she gave me when she agreed for me to travel with the boys.

With one hand on the boards, I slowly got the hang of gliding on ice. After thirty minutes of practice, Wyatt and William skated over to me with a huge smirk on their face. Both of them grabbed one of my hands and skated me to center ice with the team. Somebody gave me their stick.

Ever since the boys started to play hockey and when Mom wasn't home, they would teach me hockey moves. That's were my morning routine originated from, but we used to do that at night.

"You know how to play hockey on roller blades, now play on skates!" Wyatt yelled pushing me forward, somehow, I avoided falling face first. Multiple of their teammates joined in with them, and we played hockey just for fun. That was the moment that I feel in love playing hockey. I loved it already by watching as many game as physically possible.

That whole summer, the practice would go like this, and before I knew it, I was practicing with the team. I may have started later than everyone else, but I picked it up pretty quickly. It wasn't fast enough for my liking, but by the end of the summer, it looked like I played since I was little.

Those little moments of freedom that summer made me realize what I have been missing when I have been stuck in the apartment my whole life.

I kept on diving through those memories until I felt somebody grab my hand. I jumped up, but I soon realized that it was only Jamie.

"Don't you have another period to play?" I asked quietly.

When he heard that he started to laugh. "You really spaced out, huh? We won in the shootout. Six rounds of that. What were you thinking about?"

I shrugged. "Many things. So, is it time to load the bus?"

"Yeah, but I have a question for you first. Winter, will you go to the Winter Formal with me?"

Instantly, I rolled my eyes at that, but for some stupid reason, I had a huge smile on my face. "I don't know. What do I get out of this... arrangement?"

"You get to hang out with me, of course." When I shook my head, he said, "You get away from Patrick and your family for one night."

"Fine, I'll go with you, but I'm not wearing a dress."

It was his turn to shrug. "Whatever, the only thing that matters is that your coming with me."    

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