The Idiot

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

The day was long and hard. I didn't sleep last night because of nightmares. I haven't been eating as well. Amanda doesn't say a word to me, which isn't a problem. She's pissed with me though, but I really don't care what she thinks of me.

Anyways, I'm sitting in the locker room with my skates on. I really should head out onto the ice, but something is holding me back.

I can't do this anymore! I can't just show up here and be a coach. Mom never wanted me to do this in the first place, maybe this is just her holding me back.

Everyone hates me. No one can see what I'm going through. Not even my own brothers. They think I could just accept the fact that I'm here, but this goes against everything that Mom thought me.

The three of us was raised differently. I only got out of the house if Mom let it and I was in an environment that she wanted for me.

I hated her for years for doing this to me, but now, all I want is her back. I must live in a way that she wanted for me, and this is the only way I can.

Maybe she's wrong, maybe she's right. I don't care. Wyatt and William gave up on her even before we found out that she had cancer. I can't give up on her just yet. I just can't.

Without warning, I started to cry. "FUCK!" I yelled throwing one of my shoes at the wall opposite of me.

The tears flowed steadily down my cheeks.

I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!

I'm getting taken for granted. No one sees me as who I really am! Mom doesn't! Wyatt doesn't! William doesn't! Patrick doesn't! Amanda, Amber, Jamie, Coach Serry, Hannah Serry, Jonathan, Anna doesn't! Nobody does! I'm all alone in this world!

Jamie is probably going to break up with me. I don't want that! I know that I'm mad, but I need him. I can't just go up to him and apology.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO!

I grabbed my other shoe and threw it where I threw the other one.

"What to do, what to do," I mumbled, freaking out. "What to do, what to do..."

After I abruptly sat on the floor, I started to rip my skates off my feet. I can't be here anymore. Once they were off, I swore at myself as I crawled to where my shoes laid. I shoved them hastily on my feet.

Then I stood up, grabbing my bookbag and skates and walked out of the locker room.

No one saw me because they were all on the ice. Trust me, I could hear them skating, yelling, and pucks bouncing off the boards.

I plugged my music in while I walked out of the building. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going as far from this place as physically possible.

I walked aimlessly for hours. Multiple phone calls came in, but I ignored all of them. I didn't want to deal with anyone right now.

The sun was setting when my phone died. It was probably around six o'clock at this point in time, and I had no clue of where I was at.

I don't know how much longer I walked around, but I never was scared or worried about staying out here. I was scared and worried about going back. I don't want to!

"Winter!" I heard someone yell. I didn't turn towards the voice, but I did stop directly in my spot. "Winter!" I recognized that voice, and this was one of the people I was trying to avoid. "My God, Winter!" William yelled when I finally turned towards him. "Everyone was so worried!"

I rolled my eyes at him. He started to walk towards a car, but I didn't follow him. He realized of course. "I don't want a broken nose, so I won't grab you, but you are going to have to come with us. Amanda and everyone is worried sick right now."