𝐁𝐄𝐆𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐆 ( 𝘫𝘰𝘦 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘺 )

35 | "you're not alone"

REAL LIFE

as rosario walked into aaron's apartment, along with matty, things felt completely surreal. the last time she was in aaron's apartment was about seven months ago and although things looked exactly the same as they were then, they did not at all feel the same. that thought, and the others that were beginning to swarm in, gave rosie an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

"i know how you're feeling," matty said, breaking rosie's thoughts; which she was quite thankful for. "i felt the same way when i walked in here for the first time after it happened."

rosie sighed and then gave matty a small smile. "so, where do you want to start?"

in just a matter of minutes the pair managed to get into a routine for packing up everything; and it was going fine. until rosario could no longer take the awkward silence building between the two and decided to say,

"things are awkward right now. like, really awkward. and i don't want them to be, so can we clear this weird air between us?" she set down the box of kitchen utensils that was in her hand. "we used to be pretty good friends, matty. a long time ago. what happened to us?"

matty laughed a bit at rosie's statement thinking that what she had said was a joke, but when he looked at the girl he knew she was being serious.

"rosie, i was aaron's secret boyfriend and you were his fake girlfriend/best friend; and that was it. the only time you and me would do something was if aaron was there. i don't think that really makes us friends," his voice was in a 'it's sad, but true' tone.

"so, if we're not friends why did you want me to come and help clean out the apartment?" rosario asked.

"because even though we're not friends we still share, or shared, a common thing between us; that being aaron. like i told you before i really think he would want you to be here. you were his best friend," matty explained.

rosie could feel the tears start to rise, so she quickly tried to blink them away. "if i was really his best friend i would've been able to know what he was gonna do and helped him, instead of doing nothing and letting him do the same thing he tried to do before," she muttered.

"he tried to do this before?" matty asked, his voice quiet.

rosie nodded her head. her and matty were now both sitting on the floor cross legged across from one another. "it happened in ninth grade. when he did it i was the one– the one to, um, find him. luckily, he was still breathing, but i still know how hard it is to find someone like that."

matty nodded solemnly in agreement, since he was the one that found aaron on that night weeks ago.

"but anyway, when he woke up in the hospital about a week later and was coherent enough to speak, me and him talked for a long time. that was when he told me he was gay and the reason why he tried to do what he did. which was because he felt trapped. he said that he would never be able to tell his parents or fully express who he truly was or be able to love someone like him. but, i told him everything would be okay."

rosario took a pause before continuing on to the next part of her story; the happier part. "and soon it was. he had therapy sessions and took anti-depression medication; both of those things helped him so much. after a while things were looking so up that by the end of high school the therapy sessions came to an end and so did the medication. and suddenly, what happened ninth grade was just a distant memory. no one could even think he would do something like that again," she took a breath again, her voice suddenly getting softer as she began to speak and her vision got blurry because of tears. "but, look where we are now."

"jesus," matty breathed out, not knowing what else to say. he continuously tried to process everything that rosie had just said.

"yeah, that's why i'm the only one to blame for what happened. frankie keeps trying to tell me it was her fault because she's the one that told me to wait before going to see him, but it's really mine. because i should've–should've known, and should've went, and should've," her voice broke as she tried to say her last sentence. "i should have been there for him."

at that point rosario was sobbing and matty slid over to her side of the floor and pulled her in to his arms, he was crying too. if they weren't friends before they were definitely closer to being
that now.

"hey, did you bring your letter?" matty asked, once him and rosie pulled away from each other minutes later.

right before he picked rosie up from her apartment matty texted her about bringing her letter from aaron with her, whether she read it or not; which she had not.

rosario rubbed her wet eyes with one hand and pulled out the letter from her jacket pocket with the other. "yeah, it's right here."

matty gave a quick glance to the envelope in her hand. "have you read it yet?"

rosie quickly shook her head. "i couldn't bring myself to do it yet. why'd you want me to bring it?"

"i didn't tell you this, but i got one too. and i haven't been able to read it either," matty told the girl. "so, i was thinking that maybe we could read them together. y'know so that we're both here to give each other emotional support, if needed."

rosario smiled lightly and nodded at him. "okay, yeah, let's do that."

rosie unsealed the envelope and pulled out the letter, while matty grabbed his from out of his pocket.

———

LETTER

dear rosie,

first, i want to start off by saying sorry. sorry for putting you through something like this once again.

second, depending on when you're getting this letter you're probably already doing this; but, please don't blame yourself for what happened to me or think its your fault because it's truly not, rosie.

i didn't tell you this, but a little while before you left for georgia i had to go back on my anti-depression medication. things had just started to feel really shitty once again and my doctor said i should try going back on them.

so, i did. and for a few weeks, things started going okay again.

until they didn't.

for some reason the pills just didn't seem to work any longer for me and instead things got so much worse; like they are right now.

i can't take it anymore. i constantly feel like i can't breathe and i want that feeling to stop.

so, i'm just gonna make it stop.

before i end this letter i wanna say one more thing.

take care of matty, rosie. and let him take care of you. if things are really hard for you i feel like you guys can lean on each other and help each other through everything

just because i'm gone doesn't mean you're alone, rosie. you're not alone and you never will be.

now stop moping (because i know you probably are right now) and go out and do some ridiculously amazing things.

love, aaron