Never let me go

13

"It's dawn." Through her closed lids she could sense a dull morning light. At first she thought she heard only silence, but the more she listened, the more she became aware of a low rumbling coming from all around her. She tried to pinpoint what the sound was, but it was difficult. It reminded her of a time she had been to the mountains in the winter. It had been so cold she had wrapped a scarf around her head and face to shield her from the chill. As the gusts of wind had swept over her and thrummed against the fabric, she'd heard a humming that reminded her of the sound she was hearing now.

She opened her eyes... and saw dark, heavy fabric above. The roof of a tent? She sat up, and realised she had been lying on a few blankets on the ground. The light inside the tent was dull. She was fully dressed, but the clothes were not her own. These were filthy, old and sand coloured. She stood, but had to hunch over slightly because the tent was so small. With her one hand she brought the entrance flap aside, and stepped out. A hazy, barren landscape spread out around her, no matter which direction she turned in. Over at the horizon the world seemed to fade into white mist. The sun was coming up.

Turning her eyes to the sun, she saw the shape of a man standing far away. A silent whispering in her bones and her blood made her convinced it was Reiner she saw there in the distance. For a moment she remained silent and still, looking to him where he stood, facing towards the rising sun.

Facing away from her.

She thought that he had never looked so beautiful, nor quite so lonely before. It made her sad to see him in this desolate place. He should be surrounded by people, not alone. He didn't fare well alone... She hurried towards him, but though she walked and walked he still looked to be so far away. She started running, but her feet were only treading air. So instead she threw her hand out, reaching for him, calling his name.

But her shout was but a whisper, and the deep, strange humming of the world seemed to swallow her words. Something wet splashed down from her chin to her chest, and she realised that she was weeping.

The day after the 57th expedition - Year 850

"A dream," she thought as she awoke, "I've been having such sad dreams."

She had rolled off Reiner's arm during the night, and had been sleeping with her back to him. Now she rolled back over though, and edged up close to him. He looked younger when he slept, she thought. Those tight muscles around his eyes and brows were relaxed, and his mouth was not pressed together in a hard line. Right now, he looked like a teenage boy of seventeen. In a better world he would have looked like a teenage boy all the time, she thought, and played with the thought as she had so many times before. She wondered what it had been like if there had been no titans, and he was just a boy from her neighbourhood. Would they even know each other then?

"Do you often stare at me while I'm asleep?" He opened his eyes drowsily.

"I had a bad dream."

"What about?" He stretched a little. The sheets rustled, and the wooden bed frame creaked. She felt sad.

"You."

"I can't remember," she lied. There was no way to explain to him why the dream had been so sad, because she didn't know herself. But thinking of it made something inside her ache.

"A lie," he smiled crookedly. "I can still tell whenever you lie. You never did get any good at it."

"Shouldn't you be upset I lied to you?"

"What's a little white lie? Nothing really. You probably just dreamt that I had an accident and became disfigured, and then you had to like me even though I was ugly." His eyes glimmered. "We're all liars Iris."