Never let me go

24

He was hit with such force he jolted backwards. The shockwave sent massive tremors through his body; his bones crunched, compressed, shattered. His flesh burned, tearing loose in massive chunks. He wanted to scream but his mouth was filled with fire. The hot tendrils of flame burned down his throat and all he felt was pain as the insides of his lungs blackened. Wait; he had wanted to call for them to wait. His inner voice became a wordless scream as the skin melted off his face.

He recoiled from the hand placed on his shoulder, gently shaking him from sleep. For a moment he scrambled, entangled in the bedsheets that had covered his mattress, then he fell backwards over the side of the bed. He crashed to the floor, twisting his arm underneath him. Pain exploded in his shoulder, and he bit his tongue, blood instantly filling his mouth. The sheet wrapped tightly around him was soggy and wet, a droplet of sweat rolled into his eye as he looked up at the dark wooden ceiling. It stung. He remembered the feeling of his eyes bursting from the heat, running out of their sockets and down his face. Whose memories were those?

"It's morning Reiner" he heard Zeke say as he took a moment, trying to assemble the memories. At first he feared he'd collapsed again. If he did they would probably take the armored titan from him. If they did take it they might give it to Gabi. He could not let them do that, Gabi must never know, she must never see. He closed his eyes, tried to calm himself.

Iris. Her blue eyes looking at him, the light bounces off her dark lashes. It's as if she sees something that is beautiful.

He remembers this room. Detangling himself from the twisted sheets he stands, swallowing a mouthful of blood. His tongue has already healed yet it aches, remembering the wound that was there a moment ago. Doctors speak of phantom pain for patients who'd had their limbs amputated; though his grew back it was as if the flesh remembered. On the other side of the room a bare breasted Porco looked to be trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with him. Colt was already dressed, and even looked like he might have brushed his pale blonde hair. He let the sheet trail to the floor, feeling the coarse bristles of his cheek against his palm as he let his hand rub his face. Time to dress, no time to tarry.

"Pieck, are you up?" Zeke raised his voice, rapping the door gently. A shuffling was heard from within as Reiner slipped his arms through the sleeves of his uniform jacket, and Pieck emerged from within a moment later.

"Morning" she offered sleepily.

"Good morning" Colt replied shyly. Porco grunted something that could be interpreted as a greeting. They did not wait for him to put his shoes on, for which he was grateful. As soon as they had closed the door behind him he sagged back onto the edge of the bed. He breathed deeply for a few moments, counting quietly to himself as he drew breath.

As he entered the canteen he found the warriors seated together with the two boys from Iris's fireteam. Zeke had lectured them about not trusting marleyans even if they were friendly, yet twelve hours later he had foregone his own advice.

"Good morning Mr. Braun" the Bjergsen boy said to him as he approached with his bowl of porridge. He mumbled a good morning to the boy, ignoring the insolent look the freckled one gave him. Sitting down, he stared into the unappetizing grey sludge he was expected to digest. There had been a time when food had seemed important to him, whether it tasted well or not. He had needed to keep himself strong, so anything he could get he would eat. But he had less need for his body today, and others cared little about it. It was the titan they needed, not him. He would never be the one everyone needed. The day he had realized that he had been bent over the ship's rail, fighting back the tears. After they'd laid anchor back in his homeland he stepped off that ship, dry eyed, leaving the last remnants of the child he'd been behind him.