Forever Never Lasts [✔]

Stop it

 I wish I could hate him. But I don't. I wish I could just hate him and move on with my life.  I can tell myself I hate him a million times and I still end up not hating him. I should hate him. sometimes I thought I did just to turn around and realize that I didn't. in the end, I just look at myself and slowly begin to hate it. for once I actually hate myself. I have never been self-conscious. have never truly hated myself. and I guess I know how some people feel now. I guess I now know the loss of someone you love. and when I wanted him most, I shoved him away thinking I was protecting myself. instead, I hate myself. I have never actually rocked on my bed as I pull out my hair. not sober anyway. yet as he tries to put me to bed before he leaves, I die. everything in me just dies. he says he's going to sleep... but I know the truth. the hurtful truth that he's trying to shield me from. he was always my biggest fear. because after a few weeks? I knew I couldn't make it with him. and as he tries to make me forget he's leaving, I'm cracking. more and more. I ruined my own life. I do it every time.  I know that even when I beg him to stay, he will, in the end, leave me. I'm cracking. rotting. nothing could save me now. I've ruined my own life... I've made everyone leave me, though I try to act like I haven't. I know I have. yet I deny it. I swear at times that I'm a masochist. funny what happens when your blunt force finally chases people away... being you chase people away. saying what you think chases people away. and in the end, they do not care about the results. I know that even though he's staying now... he's going to have to leave eventually. I wish at times he would leave me alone to break in silence instead of prolonging the pain that I know is to come. and for once...

I miss my mother

I'm scared

I cant handle being alone

I'm insecure

I'm pathetic.

I deny it. I refuse to show it. because I'm supposed to be strong. and I can't even be that at times.

I need him to make it short and sweet. because though I'm supposed to hate him, I cant handle being the one to leave him alone.