Forever Never Lasts [✔]

Mind Games.

  I'm tearing at my scalp. I can not sleep until much earlier in the morning. I'm scrambling. I'm waiting for something I know I can not get, for a mistake that was not my own. Sucks when everything is your fault regardless. The craving is so bad. My mind is no longer focused on him or pills. Its focused on answers and that blade, that flame. 

  I'm scared. I'm not worried about my own health, I'm not worried if I die. I'm worried about him.

  I've stayed at home, I never leave. I cant muster the appetite to look at my fridge. I haven't showered in fuck only knows how long, sleep is ancient. I'm being torn down. torn from someone I would have and still would die for. I cant turn off my mind; I crave that adrenaline rush. I crave the deepness of the slice. 

  All I can do is sit in the dark of our, my, room. I never bother to turn the light on. Bills lay scattered on my nightstand.

  I don't bother to look at them.

  We were going to have kids. That child will never know I even existed; that I loved him.

  As much as I don't want to be dragged and prolonged, I can't let go of him. I'm waiting for someone to finally take a hammer to my hands that grasp the edge of the cliff so tightly.

  I'm waiting to fall; to give up. 

  Thinking about him hurts, and while I hurt he thrives with his new found family. A family I am not welcomed in.

  He's happy.

  I should be happy that he's happy. I should be. I am selfish. writing is just making me think.

  I know I am nothing to him anymore.

  My bed is filthy. the sweat stand sheets are partially on the floor from m kicking, screaming and crying. Everything is going down. I can feel my chest tighten again like it used to do. I cant breathe. Demons that I never thought I would go back to, ever, are resurfacing. Things I never wanted to blow the dust off of. My throat is sore from bile. I've thrown up to my bodies extent. I gag up air. My eyes remain stained red as if I spilled red wine into them. My lips have turned cracked and dry from lack of hydrates; iron. My blood will soon stain these sheets. 

  I'm as pale as a sheet.

  I wish that truck would have killed me.

  Nothing hurts more than waiting for what might as well be dead. He makes him happy. 

I cant handle it.

I'm sorry Jessie