The Babysitter

iPhone 8

Rebecca

I can't sleep, my mind races. I roll over searching for the cool spot on the bed. It's a terrible thing, guilt. Pure vile in my stomach, a rancid sickness that can not be cured. I can't sleep. It's been like this for days. Andrew still hasn't noticed. I'm not sure if that's good or bad but I think it's bad. That means one of two things, both of which are terrifying.

A - Andrew doesn't notice anything wrong.

What a terrible thing? It means he doesn't truly know me. How can someone love someone they don't know? This isn't what love is, this is an empty picture frame enclosed around a perception. It's disgusting and it makes me sick how people can so willingly choose to live a life of make-believe. That's the problem with telling lies. You tell a lie long enough and you will believe it.

or B - Andrew sees everything, just doesn't care.

For whatever reason, of the two, the latter pains most, the knife stabs deepest. I want to believe it's A, he is just a typical man and possess zero perception skills. I hope that's what it is. We haven't felt good in a long time, but I miss it. I miss us. I miss the way we used to laugh and talk. More then ever I want that.

I feel most sick about my reaction to his supposed cheating. In honest, I have zero proof of infidelity. I took the account of another person, who was secondary to the actual event in question and made a presumption. I should have brought the question to Andrew first and discussed what happened. I could have possibly saved our marriage that way. What if Andrew hasn't cheated at all? What if I'm am the adulterer? What if I'm the one who destroys us? I can't think about it for too long because my thoughts fly immediately to Lucy and Bobby. I can't lose my babies. I put everything as far away from my mind as possible.

I get to the office and collect myself. We have a demo with some new clients and then I run to check on the Johnson house progress. Tom is overseeing construction.

"How's everything going?" I say.

"Great. We are right on schedule," Tom says and politely smiles but I can see a sadness in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" I say.

"Great. I have to get back, I'll keep you updated," Tom says and turns away directing workers.

I head home, pick up the kids and start dinner. I play with Lucy and Bobby in the living room for a while. Andrew gets home and the kids run to him.

"Hey," he says but I can't look at him. I walk back to the kitchen.

"How was your day?" I say.

"Fine. I have a meeting tonight, I just came home to get my gym bag and then I gotta run. I'm gonna be home late," he says.

"Okay," I say. He sets his phone down on the counter next to his keys and wallet.

"You guys wanna play downstairs?" He says to Lucy and Bobby and they leave.

I stare at his phone. I pick it up and hold it in my hands. I shouldn't be doing this. Don't do it. I quickly unlock it. I know his passcode. I scan through his messages. Nothing. I set the phone down and take a deep breath. I feel slightly relieved but then I realize I've made a huge mistake and I have to tell him somehow.

I don't know why but I think of Samantha but her name pops into my mind. Impossible. There is no way. He wouldn't be that careless. I unlock the phone again and find her name. I can't stop shaking when I type the message and hit send.

"Hey, what are you doing tonight?" I text and stare at the phone.

"You," winky face. My heart plummets. "Did you need me to do something? Bj? xoxoxox jk," I read. I delete the texts and close the phone and set it down.

Andrew walks in behind me. He grabs his phone.

"Gotta run," he says, "I'll be back later." He leaves.

I finish dinner and feed the kids then put them to bed. I sit on the floor in the bedroom unable to move. I don't remember falling asleep but I wake up at 10 pm. I crawl into bed and laydown from exhuastion. I feel hopeless but something inside me becomes firm. I'm not losing my family. Not like this. My children will not grow up in a broken family. I am going to destroy her.

TO BE CONTINUED..