zara. (BWWM)

11.

Zara

"What's wrong?"

I️ blinked and noticed Kelsey staring at me with a plastic fork in her hand.

I️ looked around at the trees and flowers all around me, picking up my bag and placing it at my side.

"Zara. What. Is. Wrong?"

I️ sighed inaudibly and poked holes in my styrofoam lunch tray with a fork.

"Zara!" Kelsey snapped as she smacked her hand on the table to get my attention, causing me to flinch.

I️ looked up frightened and replied.

"Nothing."

I️ looked down at the grass and began to tear up.

Realizing I️ was on the verge of tears, I️ looked up at the cloudy to force the tears back into my eyes.

"Obviously something's wrong. Or else there wouldn't be tears in your eyes," she paused, softening her facial expression.

We've been apprehended.

"So just tell me."

I️ don't even know what's wrong with me.

"I️ don't really...know," I️ replied voicelessly.

"Do you know?" I️ asked her.

"Because I️ don't," I️ said through gritted teeth, the volume of my voice increasing ever so slightly.

"I️ can't even figure out why I'm so fucking sad all the time. And I️ can't even talk to anyone about it."

"Is it because of my anxiety? Or is it the fact that I️ had to be uprooted from my life and just dropped here, in a town where nobody knows me and I️ don't know anyone?"

"Or is it the fact that I'm never comfortable anywhere except for when I'm at my house that isn't really my house? But now it has to be since I️ don't see myself going back to New York anytime soon. So I'm stuck here, and I️ have to bring my insecurities and anxieties and sadness to a whole 'nother state. Where nobody even knows me or cares about me. Except my mother," I️ was just about shouting now.

"And I️ don't even get to see her all that much because she's always working and I'm stuck here for seven hours a day," I️ pointed at the school, "forced to interact with people that I️ don't know or like. Forced to adapt to new surroundings where I️ don't feel welcome. Forced to be disconnected from my friends."

"And I️ don't get to talk to them like I️ used to either. And I️ can't even send them a text to talk myself down when I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind, because they're at school and they have their own problems too and I'll be bothering them and distracting them."

"So here I️ am. Forced to open up to people I️ don't know or trust. Forced to do "Get-to-Know-Me" projects, when I️ don't even know myself anymore." I️ shouted, standing up, throwing my lunch tray off the table.

Okay Incredible Hulk.

My heart began to race as I️ looked around at a distorted version of outside.
Through blurry eyes.

Like driving a car during a thunderstorm.
Or a hailstorm.

My eyes were like the windshield.

Anything that could be heard sounded far far away.

I️ felt my throat begin to close as I️ tried endlessly to catch my breath.
My hands began to shake and I️ began to sweat as my entire body felt like it had been engulfed in flames.
My heartbeat was in my head as I️ clutched my face.