Our Eternal Summer (MakoHaru)

Chapter 4

Even though I was the last to fall sleep last night, I was the first to wake. The weak morning sunlight crept through the window, as the moonlight had the night before, and the room seemed to bathe in a soft warm glow. The curtains, which had seemed black last night, were actually blue – the exact shade of Iwatobi uniform collars. I turned, and there Haru was, facing me in his sleep, his fingers curled gently in front of his chest. I lifted my hand and swept his fringe from his face. His hair was black, though sometimes under the sun there were hints of blue. I hooked my finger softly around his pinkie, and stared at the difference in our skin tones. Something swelled inside me, painful and sweet, threatening to break free. I imagined waking up beside him every morning, the sun bringing out the blue in his hair, my breath close enough to flutter his lashes, our lips close enough for a quick kiss...but I mustn't.

Everyone was still asleep, the scene serene, cosy, and right. Self-resentment washed over me. You promised, I admonished myself and withdrew my finger, which suddenly weighed a thousand tons, and crept to the apartment's only bathroom.

It was tiny, fitting only one person at a time, but clean. Light blue tiles climbed up from the floor, which was also paved with tiles of the same colour, and met halfway with whitewashed walls. A small, square opening atop the shower-head allowed light to spill in from the stained glass. It was hell waiting for everyone to shower last night, but now, alone in this small space, I felt peace steal over me. I gargled, spat and rinsed my toothbrush, a minty fresh flavour in my mouth. Like every time before I met up with Haru, I looked into the mirror and willed myself to tuck away the unnecessary emotions and keep the lid shut tight.

As I was reaching for the copper doorknob that rested on the plastic door, I heard a soft knock and Gou whispering my name. The door opened with a small creak, and there Gou was in her pyjamas, her hair messy and for once untied. She moved her index finger to her lips shhh and pointed towards the apartment door.

The hallway was mostly quiet. I could hear a low humming – of perhaps a hairdryer, or vacuum cleaner – behind one side of the walls, and from the other, noises of traffic rising from the streets below.

Gou went straight to the point. "I want to woo Sou."

"Wait – what?"

"I want to woo him, court him, pursue him, whatever word you like. With you guys gone, it will only get harder and harder for me to find a reason to meet up with him. This trip is my only chance. I want to know how he feels about me. I want to confess to him."

Gou's eyes are alight with determination. It reminded me of her defiance when she was our club manager, drawing club posters and badgering teachers to give permission for this and that. It reminded me of Rin's eyes, ablaze with conviction before a match, no matter big or small. Rin when he dragged Haru all the way to Australia, and when he said he would go back alone once again to train.

I remembered the way her voice trembled, ever so slightly, when she whispered Sou's name that fateful day I realised my love and jealousy.

"Tell me how I can I help you."

"I won't ruin this for everyone. So I'll only confess before the trip ends."

"Do you have any idea where and how you'll do it?" Not that I thought time and place would change anything. But I understood. Gou needed a ceremonial touch to her confession. There would be no turning back. Sousuke would either accept her love, or he would reject it. And if it were the latter, Gou was right - it could be months or even years before they saw each other again.

"I want to do it on the daikanransha. I want to confess on the Odaiba ferris wheel." The daikanransha in Odaiba was Japan's signature Ferris wheel.

"Alright. I'll find a reason to save it for the last night."

And just as suddenly as her knock on the toilet door ten minutes ago, tears brimmed in Gou's eyes. "Thank you." There was a certain feverishness to her words, as if she already knew it was a mission doomed to fail.

I felt a stinging moisture behind my eyelids as I watched a single tear overflow and slide down her left cheek. I wiped it away with the finger I used to brush Haru's hair just a while ago and pulled her into my arms.

"You brave, stupid girl." I scolded, my voice muffled as I buried myself in her hair. I felt the force of her hands tugging my shirt, as if holding on to a lifeline, as if Sousuke would be within her reach as long as she didn't let go.

"Are you going to do it, Makoto?" She asked quietly.

"No. I'm a coward."

"You're not a coward."

"I am, and I've decided I won't push my feelings on Haru. You know how much he loves swimming. You know how much he looks up to Rin."

"But is that even the same thing?"

"Does it matter? Whatever it is, there are many things and persons in Haru's life that are important. More important than me." I wanted to punch myself. I sounded so petty.

But Gou seemed to understand. "I'm sorry things are so hard for you. I thought living in a new city together would've driven you even closer."

"It made me realise it wasn't Haru who needed me, but I him."

Honestly, how the hell had things come to this for the both of us?

The emotions I pushed down rattled and shook, and right before they burst out and force my eyes to burn and water, our apartment door opened, and Haru caught us in our embrace. His calm demeanour cracked. His eyes widened in shock.

Gou quickly released herself from my arms, wiped her eyes, her words tumbling over one another as she hurried to the bathroom. "Don't misunderstand Haru anyway I'm gonna go brush my teeth bye."

Leaving Haru and I looking at each other awkwardly in the corridor.

Neither of us walked away. The silence lasted forever and then some. At last Haru spoke, his voice seeming, at least to my ears, a little less monotonous as usual.

"You – you guys are...together?"

"No. No. Of course not. The hug was completely platonic."

"Do you like her?"

"'Course I do. But not romantically."

I imagined my consciousness looking at myself from the outside: my usual smile a tad bit forced, palm cupping my neck, head tilted slightly as I explained to Haru how Gou was a close friend, a sister, but never a lover. And Haru, brows creased in confusion and (maybe? but I mustn't get my hopes up) annoyance, his hands tucked in the front pockets of his pullover. I was secretly happy to see the hem of the T-shirt I had given him two years ago, of light orange and yellow stripes, peeking out. What a fool.

"Why not?"

I had forgotten how relentless Haru's questions could be when his interest gets piqued, since he was, after all, rarely interested in things that didn't involve swimming or Rin. "Why must I?"

He seemed taken aback. It was nearly a full minute before he answered me. "She is beautiful." He considered for a while more, then added: "She has nice eyes. She smiles a lot, just like you. And she makes mackerel almost as good as mine." He seemed annoyed at the thought, that someone could make good mackerel, and his frown deepened. It was so cute it could've melted my heart. I wanted to assure him that his mackerel is unparalleled – which was actually true, except for a couple of Haru's favourite restaurants – but I remembered what he said before that.

Gou has nice eyes.

Well, of course she did. She has Rin's eyes.

I felt the familiar darkness closing in, and I forced it back. My mouth ached from the smile I was plastering on it. Don't, Makoto. Don't ruin things.

"She has nice eyes," I agreed. "But I don't love her. I have someone else I love, Haru."

I was defiant. I was scared. I wanted to look into his eyes pointedly, to will him to understand that there was no one else I could fall in love with. But I promised. Yesterday was so much fun. Don't ruin it.

I averted my eyes so that I couldn't see what face Haru was making and walked back into the apartment.