Our Eternal Summer (MakoHaru)

Chapter 9

It's not like the person you love owed it to you that they have to love you back.

It's not like all love must be requited.

And so, May flitted by and June arrived. The cherry blossoms had all fallen out, leaving vibrant hues of green in their place. I could no longer smell them on my way to school.

It would be Haru's birthday soon.

Rin would still be in Japan then. I wondered if, as a birthday present, Rin would come to Tokyo and swim with Haru.

I understood Haru's love for swimming with Rin. The complete silence in the water, except for the occasional bubbles coming out from your nose, from your mouth. Like there was no one else in this world. And the way your palms cut through water, propelling your body forward. And how when you finally emerge from the water, flushed and gasping for breath, there your favourite face would be, looking back at you.

That was what I wanted. That was why I forced myself into the water. It was terrifying. Fear alone would've been enough to drown me. But I loved swimming and I loved Haru, and most of all, I loved swimming with Haru. A decade before I understood my feelings, I had already given my all.

But it didn't really matter anymore.

I continued my promise to myself: don't think, don't imagine, don't wish. The confession felt like a faraway dream. It was my way of giving up. The day after that fateful night, everyone left and Tokyo was, once again, a large city in which Haru and I led separate lives.

I still texted and called, and we went out for food sometimes. But it was much rarer than before. It had become awkward for us. The burning pain in my chest never dulled, but it was bearable. I could talk to Haru naturally, because after all, I had more experience in hiding my feelings, but it was obviously difficult for Haru. He would often avert my eyes. He seemed to pick his words carefully now, even though he never bothered before. Our time apart, and now this, created a veil that hid Haru's mind from me – what was once so easy to understand, as if his mind were part of myself, now became ambiguous.

It pained me. But pain was nothing new.

To love is to ache for.

Maybe it was wrong of me to confess. It hurt to know that Haru was bothered by my feelings. I never wanted to be any kind of a burden to him.

I wanted him to think about me more. But not like this.

"I think it's time I give up. Completely." I told Gou over the phone. She and Sousuke had embarked on a long-distance relationship, full of ups and downs that made her laugh as often as cry. But they would be alright. I remembered the breath-taking way Sou's eyes gleamed when he looked at Gou, their ocean green a depthless sea, golden cylinders of sunlight scattering diamond dust across its surface. And I remembered Gou's voice, pressed low, coming out of her mouth like wisps of cigarette smoke, breaking with longing as she told me how much she wished the man she loved would look, not at her brother, but at her. They would be alright.

And someday, I would be too.

I couldn't help but wonder if Haru loved Rin the way I loved him. And if he did, I wondered if he would ever realise it.

But that would be a later story.

Today, I came to sever the ties we had built up, oh so many years ago when we were just kids and I invited Haru to join the swimming club.

The Mellow Café was a little gourmet café that served affordable coffee and desserts. It was tucked away in a little alleyway near Haru's school. I had always liked the ambience here: the alternative music, the shades of brown and dark peach of the walls and furniture and beams, and the way the little copper bell, worn but still shiny, would go ring! whenever the door opened. I would often do my homework here while I waited for Haru's practice to be over. I would sit beside the glass walls, watching as twilight painted the city sky into a palette of purple and gold.