My Healing; My Pain

2.1

what i really want 

more than anything in the whole world!

is for someone to hug me and tell me they love me 

and i want them to say it over and over and over and over and over

until demons decide to get the fuck out of my head and let me think for one goddamn second 

that maybe I really am loved... 

not like you're family so I love u 

i mean like you're FAMILY so i LOVE YOU

because maybe it's my fucked up mind thinking fucked up things

but sometimes i feel love towards a person and then other times i feel LOVE towards a person 

the first is because i have to and the second is because i choose to, but i would never tell them so why would they tell me?

and if you're wondering why i say love and LOVE 

it's because anyone with depression or hates themselves 

can tell you how much a difference meaning the words you are saying 

can tell you the difference between saying platitudes and "i love you"s after a hug 

and someone looking you in the eyes and telling you they LOVE every single part of you  

cus that's all we -- 

that's all i could ever want 

just someone to love me and understand me 

to not get annoyed at my mood swings to no matter how bad

to get that while being alone kills me being with people all the time is somehow worse

it's not about 

"I'm here if you ever need to talk"

it's about 

"I noticed you didn't eat today; here's an apple"

it's not about 

"Let me give you some advice"

it's about 

You haven't talked in hours... "Wanna hear a funny story?"

it's not about 

me coming to you cus i'll only ever be too afraid to 

it's about 

you coming to me cus you get that i'm trapped without the key

so i guess i'm sorry 

idk y 

but i'm sorry 

i'm sorry mom

i'm sorry dad

i'm sorry Mac

and most of all 

i'm sorry Emma 

cus i can't be you're big strong sister

and i make you hate me a little every time i come home

i'm just sorry 

i don't know how to fix it 

i don't know how to fix me 

and i don't know how to even say this all to you 

so i'm sorry