My Healing; My Pain

2.0

technically speaking it's tomorrow 

even tho i haven't gone to bed and won't for another hour or so

i went to class today and then up to my bed

i got some work done 

but mostly i didn't 

i read

and 

read 

it's hard to feel love for yourself when that's all you do 

it's hard to feel love for yourself when that's all you can do 

it's hard to feel love for yourself when that's all you think you want to do and maybe you're just a lazy fuck 

but then 

idk why 

i feel like if i walk out that down 

get down from my bed that 

the world will fall apart?

nothing will be okay? 

i'll die?

i'm not sure what will happen but i know it will be bad

and like rationally i know this is horse shit which makes it all that much harder

like rationally i understand i'm going crazy, but that doesn't stop the crazy

rationally i understand that i should love myself, but that doesn't stop the hatred 

rationally i understand that my family loves and supports me, but that doesn't stop the doubt

the thing is about rational is that depression, anxiety, PTSD honestly couldn't give two fucks