Silence

-1-

I stared at the white ceiling above me in the hospital room. Machines and monitors beeped all around me, the only indication to me that I was still alive. It didn't really matter to me whether I lived for another year or not, everybody has to die sometime, just some sooner than others. I wasn't so afraid of the thought of not living in this world again; my body was slowly becoming my prison for a trapped soul. It was slowly breaking down on me, giving up.

        I knew that it was going to happen at some point, that my body would stop working while my mind still operated fairly well. The cancer in my chest was doing this to me; the foreign spot of tissue that was unnatural wasn't supposed to be there.

        Ever since I was twenty-two, I had known that something was wrong with me. I was leading a normal life, completely like all the other adults that worked at my company.

        But I had known that something was there, just behind my reach that was plaguing me, that was slowly taking over. It was when I was twenty-four, that I had finally come to an answer. I had acute leukemia. At first I had freaked out about it, doing everything I could to conceal the fact from my co-workers and family.

        But they soon began to notice that I was slowing down, falling behind. I was tired often and had to sit down during routine board meetings. I hadn't wanted people to know, but when people started talking about me I had had enough. I told them that I had leukemia. At first they hadn't believed me but when I had started to disappear to go to chemotherapy, their view changed. Sometimes they would visit me in the hospital or they would leave cards. Some of the women left me chocolate once but the nurses had taken it away from me because of the caffeine.

        I was utterly alone. Aside from my parents and older brother, I had no other family that stayed with me. Once when my mother had thought that I was asleep, she had called her sister. She was crying quietly and it broke my heart because I knew that I was the source of her pain. Towards the end of the call I remembered her saying something. "I'm going to lose one of my babies." At that moment, I had felt cruel, like I was a disease myself. All I did was cause the people that I loved more and more pain.

        After the call had ended, my mother had kissed my cheek and I had turned over like I was rolling in my sleep. She had stroked my hair, her soft and gentle touches only making the ache in my heart hurt more.

        I had cried silently to myself, reminiscing in the pain that I kept inside of myself. All I wanted was to be free, not to be chained to bedrooms and just walking down hallways.

        I wanted to run and jump again, to drive a car, to feel a gentle breeze across my skin as I drove down a highway. It was all the simple pleasures, the simple joys in life that people always take for granted. I hadn't even really been in a serious relationship yet. Sure the girls that I had dated in the past meant something to me one way or another but I had never actually had a real relationship with someone. Someone that I loved.

        I felt as if my life was being stolen away from me. The things that most people get to experience, I can only dream of. Getting married, even having children or getting the chance to play with my future children. I didn't mind being a human pack mule if it just meant that I could get away from all of this death and disease that surrounded me on a daily basis.

        A nurse came into the room followed by a doctor and I boredly pushed myself into a sitting position. Simone, my brother came over and stood next to me, waiting for the news of my test results.

        "We have good and bad news. The good news is that the cancer is slowing down and spreading much slower than we had expected. But we still cannot operate on it because of the location. Please have a safe trip home. Alexander, don't forget to get plenty of fluids and sleep. Sleep fights cancer. Have a wonderful day," the doctor shot us a smile and shook Simone's hand before walking out of the room.

        The nurse unhooked the monitors and took out the IV that had been stuck in my arm for the past seven hours. She then wheeled in a wheelchair and both the nurse and Simone helped my weak and frail body into it. I hated wheelchairs, I felt as if it were a sign of weakness and I hated being weak. But weakness was a side effect of having cancer, all the chemotherapy wears the body down.

        When we got to the car, I picked myself up out of the chair, shaking off Simone's and the nurse's attempts to help me. To say the least, I made it into the vehicle on my own.

        The nurse took the dreaded wheelchair back after saying goodbye and my brother drove off towards home.

        "Are you excited to finally be heading home?"

        "I guess," was my short answer. I had cut myself away from emotions a long time ago, the only thing that I felt was anger and sadness.