Silence

-5-

I gunned down the gas pedal of the car, speeding down the street, disappearing out of sight of the house. I raced through a stop sign, barely skidding to a halt before a car came zooming from an adjacent street. The horn sounded as the black car barely missed being hit. I was too upset to care that I was almost t-boned as I whipped the wheel around and began on another street towards the highway that would take me to the nearby city of Saint Paul.

        I still couldn't believe what my brother had done. His own selfish wishes was taking care of me just to look good in front of our extended family. Just so I could stay alive for a few mere months more. Why couldn't he and my family just let go? They would lose me either way I looked at it, there was no avoiding my impending death.

        I wiped my eyes as I felt the sticky tears flowing down my already flushed cheeks. I hated crying because it made me weak and I couldn't stand being weak. It was one of the things that I hated the most, only second to being pitied. Letting out a choked sigh, I whipped the Mercedes-Benz onto the highway, going  on the ramp. I slid into the heavy traffic, pulling the shiny car into a small space between two cars.

        Once I got off the highway and into the city, I had no idea where I was heading since I’ve only been there on rare occasions. I whized through a red light without a second thought, nearly crashing into an oncoming vehicle. I knew I was being reckless and not thinking about the safety of others but my own grief at mattered more at the moment. I was stuck in an opened showcase box and even though I was screaming for help, nobody could hear me or hear my heart slowly turning to ice that would shatter. I was trapped within myself. I felt so alone even though I was surrounded in a city with so many people. There were all sorts of noises and yet it seemed like I was drowning in silence.

        I pulled up to a hotel that I knew had a restaurant on the roof. As I got out, I tossed the keys to the valet and looked up the 54 stories to the top. I pushed through the spinning doors and made my way to the elevator on the opposite side of the lobby, not going to the front desk to check in. The woman attending the desk stared after me as I entered the elevator alone and punched in the button to the roof. I felt like I was suffocating as the elevator shot me up, towards the sky. I closed my eyes as I felt like the walls were closing in on me, slowly robbing me of oxygen. Someway I  found solace in this and simply leaned against the cool metal wall.

        The door dinged and slid open to reveal empty tables covered in  gold tablecloths and topped with a single red rose in a vase. But nobody was there, not even an attendant. I walked slowly to the center and pulled out a chair to one of the small sqaure tables. It was perfect, the breeze rushing through my hair made me feel like I was free, not tied down to the earth as I always was. Calmness overtook me as I breathed in the air from 53 stories off the ground.

        Something possessed me to push myself from my seat and walk to the edge of the roof. I gazed down at the cars passing by below me so carelessly. People always interested me, made me ponder about things. Even though I lived here with them, I didn't feel like I was really alive, like I really was human. I felt distant, closed off from the world. But that was alright.

        I stepped up onto the ledge, the wind whipping at my hair and tearing at my exposed skin. What if I leaned forward just a bit? What would people do if I would just suddenly decide to throw myself from the ledge? All it would take was a tiny step. I teetered on the edge, fear consuming me as I leaned forward and relief took over as I swayed backward. Would people cry over my sudden death? Maybe I should just end it here, spare my family the pain by leaving unexpectedly instead of staying in this world and coming closer and closer to death every day.

        In the end, I couldn't do it. I took a step from the ledge and turned my back to the bustling street below. I looked up just as a single, silent raindrop kissed my skin. I looked up at the sky just as the rain began falling. Below, people ran, trying not to be caught in the unexpected downpour. I stood, glued to the spot as I found myself unable to move from the spot. Water dripped from my hair and I let the rain pour over me. It felt like the droplets were taking away everything that was plaguing me.

        And so I stood there, relishing in the rain as so many others ran to avoid it.