Silence

-2-

I stared out the window of the car, watching the other cars roll by and whatever else there was that we passed on the highway.  Letting out a sigh, I turned my attention onto Simone.

        "What's the matter, aren't you excited to go home?"

        "I am. I just don't see my life going anywhere anymore"

        "Let's go to park then, since you don't have anything to do. We can catch the church picnic if we hurry," Simone said cheerfully. 

        He was one of those people that believed that if you put your focus on positive things and faith in God then everything could be fixed. I liked to believe that too, until I found out that I was going to die before I could ever actually enjoy my life. It made me angry, angry at everything and that led me to feel betrayed. If God was supposed to be there for me then how come I felt as if He had abandoned me? 

        At every church event, I felt as if I didn't belong there, like I was out of place. People always stared at me or came up to talk to me. They all shot us sympatric glances; they all apologized to me for the unfortunate undoing. I hated it. Absolutely hated it. I didn't like it when people looked down on me or talked to me like they knew what it was like to have cancer ripping you apart from the inside. I would rather stay away from people like that even if they meant well.

        I said nothing as we pulled into the parking lot. Simone waved to one of his friends and he then came around to my side of the car to help me out. I didn't like him helping me but I had to let him this time. I was weak after all.

        My brother's friend, Jacque, walked over to our picnic table and greeted us. If anyone asked me what I thought of their relationship, I would say that they were something more.  She then proceeded to give me a smile. It wasn't the normal one that she usually gave and her eyes deceived her. She was like all of the others, sadness and sorrow filling her ordinarily bright orbs. I looked away from her immediately, refusing to acknowledge the gesture.

        "She's only trying to be nice, Alex."

        I mumbled a sorry under my breath. I kept my gaze downcast as Jacque sat at our table. I could feel the unwanted eyes of the others on me the entire time, their stares burning my skin. I didn't like the attention but there was no place to hide, no place to escape from the gazes of the healthy humans.

        For some reason, I felt embarrassed and exposed. It was like I was attending one of those social events that I wasn't invited to. I was the awkward one out, like the ugly duckling. It felt odd to compare myself to a fictional character of a children's story. But in the end, the ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan. I would never be a swan and I knew that. I also knew that there was no such thing as there is always tomorrow.

        The morning picnic went on and I did my best to tune out everyone. No, I wasn't depressed nor was I in distress at the unfortunate situation that my life has been given. But that was what my parents and brother believed, so did everyone else.

        I heard my name being called and raised my head slowly, being brought from my troubling thoughts. I met the acute eyes of the other people beneath the shades of the trees; all were staring at me as if they expected me to say something. I stayed silent and the pastor spoke.

        "Would you like to contribute anything? Maybe about how you are doing or something that has happened?" 

        They all looked expectantly at me. "What would you like me to say? That all is well? I'm going to die anyway so I don't get what the big fuss is. We all have to die someday, don't we?"

        Right at that moment, I felt as if I had to get out of there. I felt as if the air was being sucked out of me, trying to suffocate me.  Everyone was silent as I slowly pushed myself up from the bench and proceeded to leave the grounds where the picnic was being held. My brother hurried after me, making apologies to everyone as he followed me. 

        Once he had caught up to me, he scolded me. "You didn't have to talk like that back there, you know? Alexander, will it hurt you to just stop thinking about yourself all the time?"

        I clenched my hands in frustration and spun on him, anger igniting inside of each and every cell in my body. I clenched them as hard as I could until the imprints of my fingernails were left in the center of my palms. "What the hell did you want me to say, Simone? It's the truth isn't it?! We are all going to die some day; Death is inevitable, so get over it. I'm going to die and you all are going to go on living!"

        Simone let out a sigh and made his way to embrace me but I backed away, refusing to accept his hug. I needed to be alone right now. "Why don't you go back to the picnic, I'll wait in the car."

        He gave me a curt nod and unlocked the car, locking it back after I was in the seat with the passenger and driver's windows down. I leaned the seat back and folded my arms behind my head, staring up at the roof of the Mercedes-Benz. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes. I was feeling tired and just wanted to be left alone. I was glad to be out of the judging eyes of the church consecration. It had felt like I was some sort of circus freak show, everyone was focused on me when I didn't want them to be. This was one of those times that I wished that I was healthy, not plagued with cancer that was slowly killing me. I wish I could go to parties and maintain a regular schedule. I wished so bad that I could just live a normal life again.

         But I knew that it would never happen and I couldn't reverse time.

                I couldn't cure cancer.