SVU Community One Shots

Lost Letter

[Prompt]

{The Unsent Letter: write about a letter that never made it to its recipient.}

{created by: GirlandHerKeyboard}

[word count: 805]

Dear Olivia,

I'm sorry.

I know you've probably only heard those words slip off my lips maybe three times, but every time I say it -or write it in this case- I mean it.

I don't know if this letter will ever reach you or if you'll even open it if it does.

I know I wouldn't open it if I was in your shoes.

After all, I left you without answers, without a single goodbye. You would think being partners for almost twenty years would matter more to me. That I could at least spare some time to give you a call, to find a way to give you one last hug goodbye.

But I can't.

I can't go back to the only place I knew: New York City.

The idea of walking up those stairs, your favorite coffee in my hands always brings a smile to my aging face -we both know I'm not as young or as thin as I used to be. At the thought of you, I want to run as fast as I can to New York and into that squad room. I want to see your bright, gorgeous face.

But then reality hits me.

I get doubled over in pain as the flashbacks begin leaking into my mind.

Jenna, whose life was only beginning, hits me first. Seeing her body laying on the floor, blood flowing out makes me almost cry. The worst part is knowing that I caused that to happened. I ended her life.

You could tell me millions of times, as Kathy does, that it wasn't my fault. It was my job to keep everyone else safe. I did what I had to do.

But it doesn't feel right.

You and I both know that this isn't the first time I've killed someone on the job. We've gone through the cycle millions of times, getting interviewed, giving our statements millions of times. But I couldn't do it this time.

I was told that I'd have to jump through hoop after hoop like a trained dog to be back in the squad room beside you. At first, I thought, "Hell. I don't care if it takes me years as long as I'm back with Liv and the gang."

But after repeating the story once, I knew I couldn't do it again.

My mouth would go dry and my throat would swell up. Even after all these years, I can't even rethink the scene. The only thing that goes through my mind is, "What could I have done differently?"

There's so many different plans, but the all end the same.

Jenna dying.

I don't know, maybe that's just who I am. Some sick, violent, middle-aged man who can't control his temper. Maybe only some of that is right. Maybe none of it.

All I know is that if I could change one thing, it would be saying goodbye to you.

I read the messages. I listened to your voicemails. "El, please come back. Cap't is begging me to clean your desk and I just can't. I can't let you go." And I can't let you go either, Liv.

I thought about going up there millions of times. I wanted to see you one last time. I wanted the pictures on my desk of you and me. And of course the ones with my children.

But the thought of the staring eyes following me, knowing what I did. I couldn't handle it. Soon, every stranger I saw even glance my way knew what I did and hated me for it.

So we moved.

We left for Washington, D.C. I got a job in the capital, working on sex crimes all around the world. I've met few friends who I know you'd love. I've also met a few who I know you'd hate. And yes, people are my back constantly. At this point, I've considered taking back Tucker instead of some of the bastards here trying to get me removed.

Though I miss you, I just had to let you know I'll never return to the Big Apple.

I wish you luck and the best. You of all people deserve it.

Goodbye, Olivia.

I hope fate grants us a chance to meet in the future again so I can finally give you the goodbye you deserve. Please, don't be a stranger. I know the kids miss you, as do Kathy and I.

Love,
Elliot Stabler

PS: The kids wanted to say goodbye
as well. They wish you luck on achieving
everything your heart desires.

Okay, so maybe I added that last part
but they did say something to that statement ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~

Go check out GirlandHerKeyboard Elliot_Sebastian_ 's books!