Heart to Heart

Taking Me For a Ride

Before I met you I never felt good enough. Heck, when have I ever felt good enough? Before I even let you into my life, before I had even given you a chance to prove me wrong, I had already given up.

I've been left on read, no reply, and beginning to wonder, is it all even really worth it?
I'm abandoned in the dizzy abyss between "I love you" and "you drive me insane..."

I'm skeptical of love. 

I'm trying to give you a chance. I'm trying to let you in and I'm trying to be vulnerable, but that's all I've ever been. Vulnerable. I can't help but wonder that when you hold my hand, if you also want to hold my heart. And when you dive into my waterfalling eyes and sweetly whisper, "I want you." Is it all of me you want or just one part? I've been told that there would be boys like you...the kind of boys that tear my heart in two. 

Please just leave. All you're really doing is taking me for a ride I never waited for, telling me those pretty white lies that decorate your mouth like the kisses I'm not the only one to give to you. I can't resist, and even though people tell me about boys like you, maybe they don't always know best. 

I'm terrified. How did I get myself on this endless roller coaster? I'm terrified, but I'll never let you know. You can never know, and I will never let it show. It somehow feels wrong, but then on other days I swear everything feels just right, everything falls in place, in line and I tell myself, how could I ever let you go? 

I'm afraid to ask you, because I feel like I already know the answer but, when you hold me, am I the only one? I mean, do you even want to know me, or in your mind is this whole thing all just for fun? Because I swear sometimes you can be too good to be true, doing whatever you do best...taking me on wild rides, telling me little lies, driving all sense out of me. You threaten to leave, dare me to find someone that'll treat me better than you do.  

You take me to nice places, you take me to go and do whatever I want...but you're not there with me. What's that phone doing in front of your face? It's like some attached accessory I can never seem to get rid of no matter how dressed up I am, no matter how sad I am, no matter how kind I am...your phone, your phone, your phone, "I'm sorry," you breathe, "I'm listening," you say. You always make sure I remember how good I have it, how no boys do these things for girls anymore, but you don't speak my language, you don't even try, when I so desperately give to yours. You dare me to leave. You know I can't because I'm too comfortable with you, because you know how afraid I am of going back out there. Back and forth you pull me, you make me stay, you tug at my guilt and engulf me in your pity. Enough. Enough...you say I won't find someone like you.

Good, I'll take that risk.