Sighing, I settle down onto the couch while Gabbie's in the other room. I purchased a poetry book when we went out the other day. I get new books everytime I leave to make sure I can occupy my mind. I thought it would be entertaining to analyze the deeper meaning, and I enjoy the artistic word flow. Pulling open to the last page I was on, I delve into the author's words. Poem after poem, some making me feel hopeful and optimistic while others push me back into the dark parts of my mind. My stomach drops when I get to one of the pages. The words that flit across the page hit way too close to home and startle me in ways I didn't know pages could do.
I fell deep in love the first time I saw you.
Your love, my darling made me feel
so beautiful and new.
It feels so wonderful to see your pleasant face.
Makes me feel like kidnapping and taking
you to some other place
Where there would be no one to disturb us.
It would be just you, me, and never ending bliss.
You are the only one in the world
whose love comes without a price.
Thank you, my love, for giving me the taste of paradise.
I love you so much, more than you can ever know.
In your love, sweetheart, my heart will always glow.
-anonymous
I was astounded by how much it pertained to the situation. My stomach felt queasy and nauseous all of a sudden. I slammed the book shut, closing my eyes and leaning my head back on the couch. My hands came up and pressed into my face, pushing back the tears. Regret haunts me every waking moment and follows me into my dreams. There is no way to escape it, just like she can't escape me. Don't you think I wish I could take it all back? Don't you think I haven't thought about taking her back every single day? Do you really think I haven't thought about turning myself in?
But, I haven't. And I can't. Because I'm a coward. And selfish. I wasn't thinking about her in the slightest, though I may have convinced myself so. It didn't help anybody to put her through that trauma. I can't live with myself. I'd pray for the death sentence if I'm caught. My past would torment me as I lay in that cold, dark cell, never seeing the light of day again. But, it's what I would deserve. I hate myself every day for what I've done to her. I've tried my hardest to be kind and good to her, but nothing can ever fix this. From the moment I went to that party, I damned myself.
Hot tears were falling from my eyes and spilling over onto my cheeks as I felt my throat grow tight. My elbows fell to my thighs, still propping my head up with my face buried in my hands. I choked back sobs as the self-hatred rose up again. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. The rest of the world had melted away as I beat down on myself within my mind. I didn't hear her enter the room. I didn't see the confused look she wore. I barely felt the weight shift of the couch. What I did feel was her soft, gentle hand fall on my shoulder. I didn't dare look up. I was too scared to meet the eyes of the one I had ruined. I was a murderer, and she wasn't even dead. But, I was the only one to know that.
"I'm sorry," I muttered, trying to bottle everything back up. Her hand left, but she didn't. I took a shaky breath, trying to be calm and collected. I wiped my eyes and sat back on the couch, still not making eye contact with her. I grabbed the remote, looking for a diversion, horrified of finally seeing her judgment. I was petrified of the moment I'd see what she thought of my cowardliness. But, there was no way she didn't already know.
YOU ARE READING
She's Gone
Fanfiction"'David, Gabbie can't be next,' I said, my voice breaking. He pulled me into his chest, and I broke down sobbing. 'She's not safe,' I wailed. He stroked my hair, knowing there was nothing he could say."
