Broken Love //joshler [✔️]

14. Futile

futile
[fyoot-l, fyoo-tahyl]
adjective

incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful.

Tyler assumed Josh would go back to being the nice guy for a couple days, but he was wrong. That same day, when Josh got home from work, he was distant.

Tyler greeted him with a hug, Josh pushed him away.

Tyler tried to ask what was wrong, Josh told him to shut up.

Tyler tried to tell Josh he loved him, Josh told him to leave him alone.

The brunette listened, fearing he would get hurt if he didn't. He sat as far away from Josh as the couch would allow, knees curled into his chest.

All Tyler wanted to know was what happened at work. He wanted to know what had Josh so upset and how he could make it better. But he didn't, he was useless. He bet that girl would be a better help than him.

A tear slipped past, Tyler furiously wiping it away. He refused to cry, it would only make Josh worse.

He needed to clear his head, was all. He needed to stop thinking about her, stop thinking that Josh didn't love him anymore, stop thinking that he wasn't good enough. It was only hurting him.

"Josh?" Tyler worked up the courage to speak, picking at the skin around his nails to avoid meeting Josh's eyes.

"What?" the older sighed.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"What's wrong, then?"

"Nothing, Tyler."

"Can we please talk about it?" Tyler urged. "We need to talk about what's bothering us."

"No, we dont," Josh disagreed. "But I'm not mad at you."

"Then who are you mad at?" Tyler scooted closer, finally making eye contact. He had to know what was wrong.

"Myself," Josh stated, averting his eyes to the television.

"Why? I forgive you. I love you."

"No, Tyler, you don't get it," Josh muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Then explain it."

"I hate myself because I don't fucking love you."

What?

Josh had just taken Tyler's heart and shattered it into a million pieces. He felt sick to his stomach as Josh's words sunk in.

I don't fucking love you.

I don't fucking love you.

I don't fucking love you.

The brunette had begun crying before Josh could get another word out.

"I mean, not like I used to," Josh quickly added, nervously watching as Tyler fell apart before him. "I–Um, I didn't mean it like... Like that."

Tyler didn't believe that. Josh meant it. Josh didn't fucking love him. He saw it coming, but it still felt like a stab to the heart. Josh didn't fucking love him.

"Oh god," Tyler whispered before clutching his hands over his mouth, attempting to choke back a sob.

"Tyler, I didn't mean it like that. I... I do love you, I do. I love you, just not as much as I should. But I want you. I want you to stay with me and I want to love you like I should but I just can't," Josh explained in exasperation. He held his arms out for Tyler, but the latter shook his head.

"You–You don't... You don't love me," Tyler whispered. He felt like he was going to throw up.

"I do love you, I do. I swear I do. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, I'm just sorry.  I fucking hate myself. Please give me a hug."

Tyler didn't say no. He wanted to be held, he wanted to feel loved. He wanted Josh's attention and his sweet words and his gentle touch. So, he crawled into the older's lap, allowing himself to be held while he cried.

Josh rocked him, he rubbed his back, he kissed his head, he tried everything to try and get him to calm down. Nothing was working. Tyler wouldn't stop crying.

He didn't understand how much he'd just hurt Tyler. He didn't get that Tyler would do anything for him, that all Tyler wanted was for Josh to love him like he loved Josh. That hurt, a lot.

Tyler couldn't even be mad at Josh, because it was nobody's fault except his own. He simply wasn't good enough.

He was unlovable.

"Tyler, please stop crying. I love you. I love you a lot. I'm sorry for hurting you. Please don't cry. I love you," Josh rambled, only making Tyler feel worse. He didn't know what to believe. Did Josh love him? Did he not? Was he lying again? What was he lying about this time?

"Please, I love you so much. I know I love you. I didn't mean what I said. I don't want you to be hurt by me anymore, I don't want to hurt you. You're my world, Tyler. I don't want you to leave me. I'm so scared that you're going to get sick of me, or that I'll do something bad and you'll leave me forever. I don't want you to leave me."

Tyler wasn't crying so hard anymore, he was starting to believe Josh. It sounded like he meant it, like he was actually afraid of Tyler leaving.

"I love you," Tyler whispered, trying to regain his breath.

"I love you too, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. You don't deserve it."

Tyler shook his head. "I do."

"No, you don't. Don't even start with that," Josh muttered, still holding Tyler in his lap.

"Am I not good enough for you?"

It was the question Tyler had been wanting to ask forever. Now that it was out there, he decided he didn't want to know the answer. He didn't want to know that he wasn't, that he would never be. He didn't want to hear that Josh wanted better than him.

"No, you're more than enough. You're better, I swear. I wouldn't put up with you if you weren't."

Tyler nodded, unsure whether or not he believed that. Should he believe anything Josh says anymore?

"I love you," Josh added, his lips meeting Tyler's temple. The latter sighed, desperately wanting to believe it was true.

I don't fucking love you.

Tyler bit his lip to hold himself back from crying again. He didn't know how to feel anymore. He didn't know what to think, what to believe. He felt hopelessly lost and all alone.

Nobody could begin to understand how he was feeling, he wouldn't bother telling his friends. Josh didn't get it, either.

And even though he was in Josh's arms, Tyler didn't feel so loved anymore.