The magnificence of you

Chapter thirteen - An asshole with lies and a dick and stuff

I'm so sick, sick in the stomach and sick in the head.
I'm sick of his name being the first thing on my lips and I'm sick of it being my last thought of the day.

I'm sick of missing him.

I'm sick of not seeing his face and as much as I scan the room it's becoming obvious I won't be seeing it anytime soon.

A waitress refills my coffee with a look of pity, everyone here can tell I've been stood up. I wipe at my eye and hide my face in my coffee cup, my heart breaks just a little bit more.
I told him I'd wait till six but it's a quarter past eight, I just can't find the strength to get up.

I'm so sick of missing him.
I dig into my purse and swallow down a prenatal vitamin I picked up on the way, his time to choose is over.
He's too late to stop this.

I force myself to order a vegetable soup, my child comes first. I just stare at my phone, not even a don't bother I'm not coming text message.

Nothing, that's what I get and that's what I am to him.
A nothing.
Not interested.

He told me so but I didn't listen. His eyes told me something different, his hands told me more.

I can't stop my tears and I watch them fall, drop after drop they fall to the raw pine table I wait at.

I'm so sick of crying.

When I'm told to leave I just drive, I drive aimlessly with nowhere to go, I'm not ready to go home. I pull to the side of the road and just stare without seeing, I stare at the messy porch and snow covered lawn, I stare at the house with no lights on.
No truck.

My stomach sinks with unease, what if he's had an accident? What if he's not avoiding me?

Oh god, what if he's hurt?!

I can't breathe and I hold my chest gasping for air, my tears steam hot down my face. Should I call his mother?

The sound of a Diesel engine breaks my terror and I look up to the sound of a door slamming.
Alexander walks with angry steps into the house from his drive and slams the door shut with a bang, I guess that's a no to calling his mother.

Did he see me?
Does he know I'm now stalking his house?

I panic and leave before he confronts me with his anger, I need to get out of here before he knows how pathetic I am without him.

"About time!" Tink snaps as soon as I open my door. "It's past ten!" She points out.
"Oh, ah.... sorry?" I frown and bite my lip.
Tink is curled up on one of the ugly green armchairs with a blanket and my kitty, they were waiting for me.
"Sorry? No don't be sorry" she stands and takes my jacket from my hands.
"I didn't realise it was so late" I mumble and head for the fridge.
I pour a glass of orange juice as she watches.

"Well... how was it?" She asks impatient.
"How was what?" I evade.
"The greasy monkey sex in the back of your car?" Tink sighs like the question was obvious.
"Oh, he didn't show. No Alexander, no sex, not even a phone call. Nothing" I tell her in a small voice.

Her tiny frame hugs me close and I hug her back just lightly, I just want to be alone.

"I'm sorry sweetie, that really sucks" she tells me with a hand on my cheek. "Then why are you home so late? I didn't call because I thought it must have been going well" she pulls back to look at me.
"I just kept waiting, I thought what if I leave and he turns up? I just couldn't leave. They had to turn the lights out to get rid of me" I admit looking like a fool.
"Oh you poor thing, did you eat? Can I make you something?"
"Thanks but no, I've eaten. I'm sorry I'm just going to go straight to bed" I nod numbly and rub at my head lost.