The magnificence of you

Chapter sixteen - I know my way out

"Xan..." I call out finding nothing but his pillow.
My breath is fast and ragged and I search for the lamp switch, it's too dark in here. I can hear the ringing in my ears and I shake.
"Xander?" I shield my eyes from the brightness but I can't find him.
He's not here.

It was just a dream, he's not here and I'm not in that backseat of the taxi. It's times like this I miss him the most, I need his arms to pull me close. He would grumble at me to shut up and be quiet, to go back to sleep, he would kiss my hair and make me feel safe. His warmth and his heartbeat would soothe me and I would fall back to sleep against his strong chest.
So what do I do now? Now I'm wide awake and scared? I'm cold, I'm alone.
I pick up my phone, three AM.

Why does is still surprise
me when I can't find you?
I don't think I'll ever get used
to the fact you're not
beside me while I sleep.
Miss you.

I contemplate climbing into bed with Tink but I think I value my limbs a little too much, I feel nauseous and hungry.
Guess I'm up?

I put the kettle on and light the fire, Meatball comes out from his bed in my room to lay down on the hearth falling back to sleep in an instant.
Lucky kitty.
I make myself a chai tea and climb up onto the window seat to watch the city, there's so many lights but not one of them are stars. I can't remember the last star I saw.

So many things we take for granted, sun rises, sunsets. Trees and stars. Loved ones. There's too many lights outside my window to count, so many people are all around me so why am I so alone? All those lights and not one person loves me.

Meatball meows and grumps with a flick of his tail in his sleep and I smile, well apart from him.

My temple rests on the glass and I close my eyes, my whole body is off. I don't feel good. A great start to a Monday, now I face the week tired, grumpy and sick... awesome.

I sit as still as I can be, just concentrating on the pop and fizz of flames consuming the wood in the fireplace, I concentrate on the heat it gives off. I sit and watch as the sky slowly appears from the darkness and one by one those lights go out.

"Veronica? Sweetie are you alright? Did you sleep out here?" Tink rouses me from my semi conscious state, not really sleeping but not awake either.
"I'm fine, bad dreams" I smile and stretch out my cramped muscles.
"Again? That's almost every day for the last week" she comments and feels my forehead. "You don't look well, are you sure you're okay?"
"Just tired, run down. Coffee will fix it" I stand and my head spins just a little.

"Well you just sit, I'll bring it to you. Maybe you should take it to bed and give yourself the day off?" Tink worries.
"Ha! Yeah right. New guy starts today and we have that Christmas display to start on, I can already feel the thorns stinging my fingertips. We have red roses for days coming in this morning"
"So let the new guy and me handle it? What's his name again?" Tink asks stirring cream into her coffee.

"Byron Pickles. I feel like his title should be sir and the second should follow, I think we're going to like him" I walk gingerly to the counter and sit at the barstools.
"Maybe you need to lay off the weekend activities with your girlfriend till you learn to handle us girls" she teases passing me my black coffee.
"Ruby's not my girlfriend, she's made it clear we're friends that kiss and occasionally she shows me her boobs. Occasionally I'm appreciative" I smile.

"And occasionally I hear it, let me know when it's a pants off party because I'm going to make sure I'm out for that one" Tink laughs.
"It's only been a few weeks, we're not there yet. She's staying the night next weekend and we're putting the tree up, to be honest I'm terrified of her vagina. I have no idea what to do with it" I mumble uneasy and nervous.
"It's been three weeks actually. You do realise that's a whole extra week than when you got naked for the grease monkey and you had no idea what to do with his dick either, just relax and if it's gonna happen it will happen" Tink shrugs one shoulder and disappears down the hall with her coffee.