❝these were the women who knitted pain into glory❞
[COMPLETED]
[marvel cinematic universe]
[alternate universe]
[natasha romanoff]
[SO MANY WORDING ERRORS BUT I CBA TO FIX THEM RN]
BAD BITCH ❝these were the women who knitted pain into glory❞
16. Confessions of the Unholy
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March 2005
❝I think a deranged part of me doesn't want them to take it.❞ Svetlana states, laying down on her bed, and Natalia can only hum in agreement. They were both separated, placed into different cell blocks, but had been placed next to each other. They could communicate with ease, only needing to whisper for the sound to travel through the thin concrete, but they hadn't spoken at all that day. Both knew what they were going to have to endure in merely a few minutes. They'd been warned before hand, told that they would need to just accept the surgery, but the blow didn't seem less bitter. Their rooms were depressing. Even Svetlana would scrunch her nose up in disgust whenever she looked around her. The small room wasn't dirty. It was actually very clean. Hydra were careful not to allow their soldiers to get sick as they we beginning to need Svetlana's team with more of their plans. Yet, the room was bleak and so grey. Concrete walls were met with concrete floors. Bars were out on the only door in the room and there were no windows at all. They simply had a bed, which was metal and had very thin foam to act as a mattress, and a bucket in the corner of the room. It wasn't completely awful. They were very rarely placed in their rooms, mostly out in foreign countries to act as back up, so they couldn't particularly complain about their treatment. Yet, when they did get placed in the room, they seemed to stay for long durations of time rather than short stays.
They knew why they were back at the compound.
Natalia seemed to have been silent from the moment she'd woken up. Svetlana wasn't sure of the time, hating how disorientating their bedrooms could become when locked in them, but she could only hope that they'd woken up earlier than usual. She didn't want to go into her surgery just yet. She simply wanted a few more hours to just breathe and to just collect herself together. Usually, she would be accepting of medical procedures. She'd known that they wouldn't be put under local anaesthesia, probably wouldn't be given numbing agents either, but it wasn't the pain that scared her. Even when she was younger, she hadn't minded when the Solider would leave her with bruises and broken bones. She mostly didn't care because she'd learnt to become immune to most levels of pain, only being truly bothered by fatal injuries, so surgery wasn't entirely what she was worrying about. Svetlana wasn't scared of the pain - she was scared of what the pain would leave her without.
It was strange. Before being notified of their surgery, Svetlana had never wondered about her future. She couldn't really see herself living past the following year, a habit she'd gotten into even when she was very young, so she'd never put much thought into who she could become if she'd put more effort into herself. She could hardly imagine herself growing old within the Hydra compound. Svetlana found it rather painful to try and think of which direction her life could turn, rather certain that she'd be stuck in the grasps of Hydra until they finally eliminate her when her bones grow old, but she was quickly regretting not wondering about it more. ❝I think a deranged part of me wants to have a child.❞ She mutters, making sure not be loud enough for anyone else to hear her, and manages to listen hard enough to hear Natalia's breath stutter. Neither were willing to admit that, after their tubes get sliced, they would be infertile for the rest of their lives. It didn't bother them enough for them to fight back, not knowing if they would even severely hated the idea of infertility, but it still made Svetlana wonder what it would have been like to have a baby. Her own child would be two years old. If she had kept it alive, she would have a two year old daughter. Svetlana couldn't help but feel glad that she'd gotten rid of it. 'It' because if she thought of it as a 'her' then she might see it as a human being and begin to regret her decision. Yet, she knew she couldn't have cared for the child in a way parents should. Svetlana was the furthest away from parent material anyone could physically and mentally get. As well as that, the child would have been used as another pawn by Hydra. The woman knew that if her superiors had realised she was pregnant, they would have either killed them both or taken the child for their own monopoly. Either way, the child wouldn't have been truly alive. Still, knowing she would never be able to conceive a baby, she wondered what it would be like to be a mother. It wasn't as though she wanted to be a mother, she hated the idea of having the responsibility of another human being, but it had been a weird thought that almost made her want to give it a try. ❝It's not deranged, Smirnov. Most people want have a baby.❞ Natalia responds and Svetlana just sighs before turning on her side.
