A Survivor's Diary

2013

Ready for more, Dee?

Most of 2013 was consumed by the corrupt boy who had trapped me. I'm going to be honest I just sat here looking at my old pictures on facebook and looked at the girl who was so torn inside. I also looked at his facebook, something I do every now and then because I think with the effects from the trauma it makes me feel like everything that happened wasn't real. I wish it wasn't. But I have to look to remind myself he was real and what happened was real and not just a sick nightmare. Looking at his "perfect" little family makes me sick. He gets to lives some stupid life with his wife and new baby and pretend like what happened years ago never really happened. I wonder if he is the same way with his wife. Because if he's not, then why the fuck me? Why was I the unlucky victim? The one who took every blow? I mean, I do hope he doesn't treat her that way because I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I just wonder why I had to be the one to endure this bullshit.

I wish I had taken legal action. I regret it more than anything. It's too late now. The little documentation I did during it wouldn't suffice in court. I don't know how many of my friends would be witnesses. It would be a mess. It would dig up a lot of feelings I have buried since then. That, and I don't think I could be in the same room as him. It would literally kill me. I'm positive his wife knows nothing about it. She wouldn't be with him if she knew. Or she knows and he lied about everything. Who knows.
In 2013, I discovered One Direction. Anybody who knew me then or now knows that I was and still am obsessed. One Direction was my escape from my living nightmare. I spent hours watching their videos, listening to their music, following their every move on social media. It was a distraction. Those boys will never know what they did for me in the hardest time of my life, especially Harry. If you know me currently, now you will understand a bit why I love him so much. Harry was a lot more than just some famous singer. He and the other boys were my safe haven. But HE didn't like that I had something I was passionate about other than him. He was extremely jealous of a FUCKING BAND. He literally told me he was jealous. He didn't want me to be so invested in them. Looking back, that was some crazy shit.
We fought a lot at school. It wasn't uncommon to see us in some sort of quarrel. God, even the teachers knew our business. That makes me wonder if they knew how bad it really was. But he was really smart about keeping that on the low, and I didn't know any better to talk to somebody about it.
His mom didn't like me. She didn't like me because of the way he had changed while dating me. He was incredibly emotional with some serious anger issues. He was psychotic. She blamed me for it. I didn't do anything. All I said was no.