A Survivor's Diary

April 18, 2018

"You just have to get over it."

I sometimes can't believe what comes out of people's mouths. 
As much as I would like to just "get over it", I'm aware that the likelihood of that happening is not high. Brian told me the other day that sometimes you just need to accept things for what they are and go from there. 
I accept that bad things have happened to me.
I accept that I will never live normally.
I accept that sex is not easy for me, and most of the time impossible.
I accept that my abusers do not care if they are even aware.
I accept that this is my life now, and I have to make the best with what I've got.

After knowing what you know now, does it change how you feel about me?

I bet you were confused, Dee, after my initial entry.

Do you get it now?

I'll be honest, I say I accept these things, but there are days when I really don't. Some days I feel extremely confused about my feelings. Some days I struggle really hard because I want to fix myself, but have no idea how. If a professional can't fix me, then how the hell am I supposed to do it?

Lately, I have had a lot of those days. The day of my first entry was one. Today is a little inbetween.
I'm still uncertain about my sexuality. It's hard to determine what is really what it is or what is just me subconsciously protecting myself from more trauma.

You see, I came out my freshman year that I was bisexual. I struggled for awhile before that because I couldn't understand how I was feeling.
Ironically, after my trauma, I struggled even harder. Which of course made me wonder whether what happened to me had influenced my sexual preference or not. I still don't know. I've never heard of such a thing, but c'mon, I'd also never heard about sexual and domestic abuse before it happened to me. 
That's why if you're reading this and you can somehow relate, please tell me. You don't have to go into any detail. It could just be a simple "I understand." Because honestly I often feel like I'm going insane trying to figure myself out. It makes me feel so, so alone.

Doesn't sound so much like I am "accepting".