"Dumb whore."
"Her pussy smells."
"She's a cunt."
I should have known this would happen.
I heard those remarks from him in the hallways. I heard the rumors he spread.
He threatened to kill any guy who tried to talk to me.
He stole my car keys from my bag and tried to take my car.
He tried to date my friends, teammates, anybody who was close to me.
For many nights I heard him in his stupid little honda burning out in front of my house as some weird form of harassment.
In any other relationship, this would have lasted maybe a week.
This lasted 2 and a half fucking years.
For 2 and a half years I dealt with the repercussions. And they were not limited to his actions, but the scars he left on me.
You see Dee, I can't form an intimate relationship now. Because of him, I am scared to say no when somebody wants me to engage in sexual activity. Because of him, sex is completely meaningless. Because of him, I receive no pleasure from sex. Because of him, I have panic attacks and flashbacks every time I have sex. Because of him, I will never fully trust another man again.
I've been in counseling. I've been in psychotherapy. I don't need anyone to tell me what I went through was abuse. I know that now. What I really need to know is why?
Why me? Why did I fall victim to him? Was I asking for it by being too vulnerable?
I have analyzed that entire 9 months in an attempt to figure out why. I will never know. He will never know how he permanently damaged me.
It's been 3 years since there has been any harassment or contact from him. I'm still struggling to come to terms with everything that happened. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. Which is why I often refer to it as my living nightmare.
He has a daughter and a wife. I have PTSD. What an unfair trade.
YOU ARE READING
A Survivor's Diary
Non-FictionThis is my diary. Feel free to read and let me know if you relate. Share your story with me as I have done with you. We are in this together.
